Previous: 14 steps: Enjoy the moment

Everyone will have to overcome setbacks and problems. Sickness, the death of a loved one, a difficult exam, job related stress, anything that disrupts life in a negative way, is annoying. Some problems can be solved, some problems you'll have to learn to live with. Some problems are huge, but sometimes we have a tendency to make a mountain out of a molehill. Solving problems and dealing with stress, starts with you. Being able to deal with stress is important for both one's mental and physical well being.

Major setbacks

Most people react indignantly when confronted with a serious setback, like disease or dismissal: why does this happen to ME ? It's very human to feel rebellious: if you've lived 'by the rules' you don't deserve misery. But unfortunately bad things happen to good people as well. If there's little you can change about the event, like the death of a loved one, or adultery by your spouse, you'd better accept this is happening to you. Accepting an event, doesn't mean you can't try to improve the situation, it means no longer fighting reality. It is what it is. The sooner you can accept this, the sooner you'll be able to deal with the situation in the best possible way. Accepting a situation might be easier if you ask why not ? instead of why me ? Each and every day thousands of people have to deal with accidents, diseases and other setbacks, so why wouldn't you be one of them ?

Scientific research shows that people who manage to put a positive spin on a negative event are quickly bouncing back: they're less prone to stress and are more optimistic. When a bad thing happens, putting a negative spin on it only makes it worse. Putting a positive spin on the event means deciding the meaning of events in your life. You either help yourself or harm yourself by the choice you make. When you choose a positive meaning, your life improves. When you choose a negative meaning, your life becomes worse.

You have to become your own personal spin doctor. The term spin doctor became a common addition to our language in the 1980s. Its exact origin is uncertain, but spin doctor is often used to describe public relations experts as well as political or corporate representatives whose job it is to put a 'positive spin' on events or situations. The verb spin doctoring is also commonly used to describe the work of a spin doctor. If we control the spin, or direction, of an object, we are showing sides of it we want to show while not shedding light on the rest. A spin doctor uses spin control to emphasize or exaggerate the most positive aspect of something. We can do the same in our personal lives. When confronted with disease, perhaps you started to live more consciously, enjoying the little things in life. Or maybe the relationship with your partner has become more intense.

Learning to be positive requires a deliberate shift in thinking. You can't just will yourself into a different emotional state, the first step starts with changing your interpretation of events. Step back and see things from a bigger perspective. Instead of focusing on the negative, look for the positive in a stressful event. Being temporarily unemployed, for example, could prompt you to find a more satisfying job or line of work. The end of a love affair can signal a new beginning in another part of your life. Every time you handle a challenge successfully, no matter how small it is, you gain a sense of mastery and control that will help you be a better problem-solver or a more positive thinker. It is really possible to spin any event into some type of positive, it may not completely overshadow the entire circumstance but it does feel good to see some light at the end of the tunnel. Even if the only positive you can come up with is the fact that something bad happened but now it is over with. Being thankful for a bad situation or occurrence to being over with is a surefire way of always having something positive to say after every event in your life.

Make a conscious and determined decision to drop all of your negative self-talk and thinking immediately. Unproductive thoughts and highly charged feeling serve to fuel the emotional fire. Dropping the doom-and-gloom thinking will help prevent you from going into panic mode or depression. Roll with the punches and focus on what you can learn from this negative experience. A positive spin can be put on it by reframing it. We must keep in mind that it is not the events that shape our lives but our response to them.

Ask yourself questions like What's gotten better since this happened ?, Which positive effects did this have on my relationships ? or To which extent have I developed myself since this event ? and What did I start to appreciate more ?

Daily stress

Daily problems, irritations and stress, such as a high work load, or problems with the neighbors, have a higher impact on mental and physical health than major setbacks such as divorce or dismissal, exactly because they influence our well being on a daily basis. People differ in the way they deal with these daily events. The same event might freak out one person, while it hardly influences someone else. Some people are utterly annoyed when they drive to work and are held up in traffic, while others put on some music and relax.

Research shows that people with a tendency to avoid problem solving, experience more stress and are not in good health. If the neighbors' yelling disturbs you, but you don't dare to talk to them about it, the yelling won't stop. If you don't have enough money, and escape in dreaming about winning the lottery, nothing will change. If you postpone solving a problem, it's a short time 'solution' but it won't help you in the long run. It's better to face and solve your daily problems. If you're annoyed because you're held up in traffic, try to find an alternative route, or an alternative means of transport, or decide not to be annoyed. Do some relaxation exercise and enjoy the quiet moment. If the neighbors bother you, talk to them in a friendly yet determined way. If you've got money problems, don't dream about a luxury vacation on the white beaches of some exotic island, but look into ways of making more money.

All of this sounds very logical, yet many people avoid solving their problems. Lots of people aren't assertive, and afraid to hurt others. Furthermore, lots of people have a tendency to avoid negative situations and emotions, because those are simply 'no fun'.

If you have a tendency to postpone working on solving your daily problems, it might help to work on building self esteem (see 14 steps: Self Esteem). If you believe in yourself, you'll also believe you've got the power to solve your problems and to give a positive spin on your life. Of course, not all problems can be solved. Some things, like unannounced visitors on your doorstep, or a burned meal, have to be accepted. Try to relax and ask yourself: how much of a problem is this anyway ? Try to make the best of it. For these small problems it's the same as for major setbacks, try to see the positive. Maybe you burned the potatoes, but when you quickly go out to buy French fries, the children might be delighted.

Exercise

Think back to the last time you had to deal with a major problem or a difficult situation. What did you do? For each of the following, indicate the degree to which you responded that way: not at all, a little, moderately, strongly.

• You blamed yourself
• You accepted the situation: it is what it is
• You tried not to think about the situation
• You worried about the problem
• You escaped in daydreaming
• You tried to see the advantages of the situation
• You blamed others
• You downplayed the problem: it wasn't that bad
• You prayed to God
• You felt helpless
• You talked to others about it
• You made a plan to solve the problem
• Something else, more specifically ...

Look back and think about whether you chose a constructive way to deal with the problem or situation. What could you have done differently ?

Can you, in hindsight, put a positive spin on the situation ? What are the advantages ? What has become better since that situation ? Did you encounter new changes and possibilities since then ?

Previous: 14 steps: Improve your communication skills

Next: 14 steps: Solving problems

The past and the future

Many people are occupied with the future. If I have that new job / if the renovation of our house has finished / if I get pregnant, then I’ll be happy. If, if, if … And when they finally get what they desire, they want something else. They postpone happiness and never feel truly happy. Instead of postponing happiness, try enjoying the moment. You don’t know what the future will bring.

In order to enjoy the moment, you have to be aware of this moment, you have to experience this moment, be aware of what’s happening, and be aware of your feelings. That’s problematic for many of us. People often are in a hurry, they don’t stand still, they are on automatic pilot. Have you ever experienced driving somewhere and suddenly noticing you’re there already? The miles in between totally escaped your conscience.

Are you letting your responses and reactions to life’s circumstances and events be dictated by your previous values, attitudes and beliefs or are your responses a result of living in the present? When you react without getting conscious, when you don’t live in the present, you risk saying or doing things you’ll regret later. When you react from your history, from your learned attitudes, beliefs, expectations, prejudices, values or historically directed emotions, you risk overreacting, not reacting appropriately, reacting too slow or too fast. This is likely to cause continued stress, anxiety and continued unresolved personal feelings. When we are on automatic pilot, we miss out on big chunks of life. We are not fully present to ourselves—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Mindfulness

Living in the present, in the moment, is a state of consciousness called mindfulness. The first component of mindfulness involves the self-regulation of attention so that it is maintained on immediate experience, thereby allowing for increased recognition of mental events in the present moment. The second component involves adopting a particular orientation toward one’s experiences in the present moment, an orientation that is characterized by curiosity, openness, and acceptance. Self-regulated attention involves conscious awareness of one’s current thoughts, feelings, and surroundings, which can result in metacognitive skills for controlling concentration. The orientation to experience involves accepting one’s mindstream, maintaining open and curious attitudes, and thinking in alternative categories.

Mindfulness can be used as a psychological tool capable of stress reduction and the elevation of several positive emotions or traits. Human response to stress factors in the environment produces emotional and physiological changes in individual human bodies in order to cope with that stress. In modern society however, much of the stress felt is not beneficial in this way. Stress has been shown to have several negative effects on health, happiness and overall wellbeing.

Mindfulness deepens the experiences of daily life. It’s about really tasting what you’re eating, instead of mindlessly chewing away your dinner, perhaps in front of the television. It’s about kissing your partner in a conscious way, making kissing far more intimate. It’s also about not worrying about later on. About not feeling pressure of modern life. You don’t have to call that acquaintance just because you think it’s expected. You don’t have drive to work in a hurry, stressed out about traffic. You can drive there consciously, only focussing on the ride. It’s the moment that counts, life is good this very moment.

Although it sounds simple, living in the moment really isn’t . Try focussing on an object, for example the pen on your desk, or a single flower, and see how long you can keep that up. Probably no longer than a few seconds. Your attention probably keeps getting sidetracked by the numerous thoughts in your head.

Standing still can also be very confrontational. You might notice you feel sad, or tense, uncomfortable or stressed. As you don’t want to feel that way, chances are you will quickly focus on something else. Pushing away thoughts and feelings isn’t helpful though. The more you push away a thought or a feeling, the stronger it will come back.

Meditation – standing still

How can you learn to live in the present? The answer is meditation. Most people picture themselves sitting in lotus position on the floor, eyes closed. That definition of meditation is too narrow though. Meditation is about standing still and being present, that’s all. You can meditate while riding your bike, peeling potatoes, or walking the dog. It’s a matter of focussing on what you’re doing, be it doing the dishes, putting your child to bed or folding laundry.

When you’re doing the dishes (by hand, not using a dishwasher machine), feel the temperature of the water, feel the structure of the foam, and the form of the cups you’re washing. Feel drops of water slide over your hands, feel the muscles you are using, …

The only way to do something consciously is to do one thing at a time. Don’t watch television while eating, don’t read the newspaper while someone is talking to you.

When you often get sidetracked by your thoughts, try observing your thoughts. Close your eyes and see yourself as the blue sky. Your thoughts are like clouds floating by. Watch your thoughts coming and going, like clouds: the grocery shopping list, a melody of a song, something you have to do later today, … Don’t judge those thoughts, just let them be.

When you practise observing your thoughts on a regular basis a phenomenon called cognitive dissociation appears. While in psychology cognitive dissociation can refer to a process you don’t want, in this context it’s actually a good thing. By observing your thoughts and feelings, you’ll notice those thoughts and feelings come and go, like clouds in the sky. You’ll realise you are not those thoughts and feelings, you just have them. When you feel miserable or sad, you’ll know those feelings will pass. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Handling your thoughts and feelings this way also is called thought surfing or emotional surfing. You don’t try to escape those feelings, but you also don’t let them drag you down. You’ll experience those feelings without feeling out of balance. This makes it easier to stand still.

Freedom of choice

This also creates freedom of choice. If you’re not conscious, and living on automatic pilot, your previous values, attitudes or beliefs dictate your life. When you think you’ll have to work in the garden, because the neighbours’ gardens all look fantastic, even though you’re exhausted, you’ll start working in your garden. When you’re aware of the fact this is just a thought, a belief, you can choose to do something else. Take a warm bath or go for a relaxing walk, instead of working in the garden, for example.

From driving on automatic pilot you can change to driving a stick, and make authentic choices for certain behaviour. You don’t let yourself be dictated by obligations, expectations or habits.

Anchor moments

Is driving on automatic pilot all bad? Of course not. You don’t have to be aware of what’s happening around you all the time, it would drive you crazy. In order to experience the benefits of mindfulness, you don’t have to experience every single moment of the day in a conscious way. It’s enough to build in a couple of anchor moments, moments where you consciously choose to live in the moment. When you have to wait for a red light, or in line at the supermarket, try focussing on your breath. Feel how your feet touch the ground, relax the muscles in your face. Stand still. Tell yourself: “This is it, I might just as well enjoy it”.

Previous: Make Contact

Living together and working together is easier if you know how to motivate and inspire others. Whether it's your children, partner, friends or colleagues, there are many advantages to approaching others in a positive way. They'll appreciate your company more, will often be more prepared to help you, and will value your opinion more.

The power of a compliment

An important and fun way to inspire someone is to give them a compliment. One of the most important needs people have is the need for recognition and appreciation. A compliment can meet those needs. By giving a compliment you give others a good feeling about what they're doing, as well as the feeling that what they're doing is appreciated. Still, people are very sparse when it comes to giving compliments. They think other people will lean back whenever they get a compliment. If you for example tell your daughter a C+ is good, she might think she doesn't need to study. That's the reason most people are rather harsh. They whine and threaten others in the hope the other person will do what they want them to do. Most of the time this doesn't work though. The other person feels they've failed and is discouraged. A compliment, on the other hand, does work. Praising your daughter (it's good you still got a C+ for that difficult topic) increases the chance she'll work hard at school. The compliment encourages her to work hard. Complimenting someone doesn't guarantee positive behaviour, but chances are better. Compliments also augment people's self-worth. Children especially need to hear something positive once in a while. They need even more affirmation than adults.

To the point and sincere

In order to have the desired effect, compliments should meet certain requirements.

Rule 1: be sincere

Only give compliments you really mean. People will know if you don't mean it. At times it's difficult to come up with something positive and if you really can't come up with something you could tell the other person how you'd like something to be done, and how you'd appreciate it. You could for example say (to stick with the daughter at school example): "It would mean a lot to me if you'd work harder at school".

Rule 2: say why

Most people only say what they appreciate, and forget about the why. If a friend just got a hair cut and you only say: "Your hair looks nice", it might seem you only want to be polite. You're also complimenting the hair dresser, instead of your friend. Say for example: "You chose a nice hair cut, it really fits your style".

Rule 3: start with their first name

By mentioning someone's first name, the compliment gets really personal. You show them the compliment is really meant for them. People also pay more attention to sentences in which their name is mentioned. To a colleague you could for instance say: "Paul, you did really well on that report".

Don't get all wound up

Influencing others in a positive way isn't only done by giving people compliments, but also by not reacting in a negative way to others, even if they're trying to provoke you. Whenever someone makes an unreasonable or critical remark, most people automatically get all defensive. Not because they're looking for a fight, but because they want to protect their sense of self-worth. Unfortunately there's a risk of escalation, because the reactions back and forth might get more damaging and hurtful. Try not to react immediately. Stay calm and friendly. Ask for clarification or say you didn't know there was a problem. If you stay calm, friendly and positive, there's a chance of "emotional contamination". Emotional contamination is the phenomenon that people, unintentionally, mimic other people's facial expressions, body language and emotions. Research shows emotional contamination works best with positive things. People are more likely to mimic a smile than a frown.

Cool down

It's not easy to remain friendly and positive when for example your partner is in an awful mood. It requires self control and empathy. Following tips can help you to remain calm and in a good mood.

Tip 1: take a time-out

If, during a conversation, you get very upset, angry or stressed, a time-out is a sensible thing to take. Go to the bathroom, or go for a walk. Tell your partner you're going to do something else for a bit, because you're too upset or angry or stressed. You can e.g. agree to continue the conversation in an hour, or the next day.

Tip 2: display opposite behaviour

If you're angry or stressed, it might help to show some opposite behaviour. Relax and try to look friendly. Tell the other person you care for them, or slowly drink a glass of water. Because your senses get a different kind of input, your brain thinks you're no longer angry.

Tip 3: reflect

Ask yourself why someone is reacting in an angry or unreasonable way. Try to see their side. Wonder whether they're tense or tired. Perhaps something happened at work or school.

Showing involvement

In order to stimulate people, it also helps if you show involvement in what they're doing. In order to stimulate your daughter to do her homework, you could show an interest in the topics she is studying at school. Remarks like "I will think of you when you're taking your exam" or "You can call me any time whenever you need help" are helpful too. Research shows people will perform better that way.

People might also feel stimulated if you involve them in what's important for you. Ask a colleague their opinion about a project you're leading, or ask your partner to help you sort the holiday pictures for example. Even though you can do those things yourself, perhaps even better, you give people the idea their contribution is appreciated.

Exercise

Think about someone you'd like to compliment., for example your child, partner, neighbour or colleague. Resolve to compliment them next time you see them. Already write down what you could say.

Think about someone close who has to do something difficult soon, or who has an appointment they're not looking forward to, like an exam, a doctor's appointment or a boring meeting. Resolve to say something supportive. Already think about what you could say and write it down. Next time you'll see this person, follow through. Intent on saying something supportive at least once a day.

Next: Promise less, do more

Previous: Become Assertive

Reach out

If you know how to socialise, you'll be more successful in life. Not just with people you already know, but with strangers as well. If you know how to make contact, it will be a lot easier to build a social environment from which to get inspiration and support. By talking to other people, you expand your horizon, and learn new insights and experiences. No less than 90% of people have a hard time socialising and making small talk with strangers. At a reception where you know no one, at the pub while your friend is talking to someone else, at a meeting where you have to network: you might feel awkward and inhabited.

Insecurity – what will people think of me? – and the fear of rejection make you want to hide in a corner instead of talking to other people. That way you only socialise with a small group of friends and family, while you might like to talk to someone else or make new friends. You play safe, while new contacts can open an entire new world.

It's possible the other person doesn't want to talk to you, or there's no click. This tends to diminish confidence: apparently you're not interesting enough and the other person doesn't want to get to know you. Therefore many people are reserved, even though they'd like to be different.

That's a shame really, because it's highly likely other people at e.g. that reception feel the same way. They probably think you don't want to talk to them, and are afraid to start a conversation. In reality, most people are glad to be spoken to. That way they've got someone to talk to, and don't have to mingle, searching for someone to talk to themselves.

Shy people in particular find it very hard to start a conversation. This is because they've got a negative self image. They think they're not good enough, and they're very demanding of themselves socially. They think they've got to get along with everyone, be popular and have oodles of friends. Because of the pressure they put on themselves, they lack spontaneity and become shy. For these kinds of people, it's very important to work on step 2: self esteem.

Starting a conversation: tips and tricks

Whether you're shy or not, it becomes easier making contact with these tips and tricks.

Tip 1

Watch your body language. Making contact doesn't start with words, it starts with body language. It's best to be open and inviting: hold your arms next to your body. Straighten your back and smile. That way you'll come across a lot friendlier than with your arms crossed and an unhappy face. The same is true for the person you'd like to talk to. How does this person come across? Does he or she seem susceptible? If you see someone you like, make eye contact. You'll know instantly whether the other person is in the mood for conversation: does he or she look back in a friendly way or does he or she look away?

Tip 2

Keep it simple. People worry too much about the content of that first conversation. They want to make a good impression, and don't want to look stupid or boring. People think they need to talk about 'important' matters, like politics, art or philosophy. This idea puts them under a lot of pressure, and might lead to fear of failure. Try to look for inspiration in your environment. If you're at an exhibition, look around. What do you see (beautiful paintings), smell (the smell of coffee) or hear (music by Bach)? Other people are probably experiencing the same, and it provides for a subject of conversation. "Don't you agree it's hot / cold / crowded / beautiful?" or "How do you like this painting?" are some opening sentences you could use.

Tip 3

Encourage yourself. If you don't know what to say, it's difficult to approach someone. Try to think: that seems like a nice person, I'll just try and talk to them. Or: if it doesn't work out, I'll talk to someone else later on.

Tip 4

Once you've started the conversation, use open questions. Ask: "How do you like that painting?" instead of: "It's a nice painting, don't you agree?" Closed questions only require a short yes / no answer, and tend to shorten the conversation. Open questions on the other hand stimulate a more elaborate answer, and keep the conversation going.

Tip 5

Listen. Some people seem to think they've got to talk in order to avoid silences. Other people might get bored having to listen all the time though. It's equally important to listen. Other people like being listened to, and they like being asked questions. If someone pays attention to you, you also appreciate this gesture of showing interest.

Exercise 1

Think back of two situations in which you felt awkward because you didn't have someone to talk to. Why was it so difficult for you to make contact? What did you say to yourself that made you back off? What should you have said to yourself? Looking back, how could you have talked to someone in that situation?

Exercise 2

Take the lead. Think of two situations you might encounter in the near feature, like a birthday party, a reception at work or some other party. Intend to start a conversation with someone you don't know. Don't wait for others to start conversation, but take the initiative. Already think about what you could use for an opening sentence.

Possible opening sentences

At a birthday party: How do you know X?
In a museum: What do you think of this painting?
Arriving somewhere: That was quite the thunder storm, eh?
At a public space: Have you been here before?
At a work meeting: What are you working on?
In a crowded space: It's rather crowded here, eh?
At a concert: How do you like the music?
At the gym: Do you know how this works?
Waiting for food: Are you hungry as well?

Next: Influence Others in a Positive Way