Previous: 14 steps: Enjoy the moment

Everyone will have to overcome setbacks and problems. Sickness, the death of a loved one, a difficult exam, job related stress, anything that disrupts life in a negative way, is annoying. Some problems can be solved, some problems you'll have to learn to live with. Some problems are huge, but sometimes we have a tendency to make a mountain out of a molehill. Solving problems and dealing with stress, starts with you. Being able to deal with stress is important for both one's mental and physical well being.

Major setbacks

Most people react indignantly when confronted with a serious setback, like disease or dismissal: why does this happen to ME ? It's very human to feel rebellious: if you've lived 'by the rules' you don't deserve misery. But unfortunately bad things happen to good people as well. If there's little you can change about the event, like the death of a loved one, or adultery by your spouse, you'd better accept this is happening to you. Accepting an event, doesn't mean you can't try to improve the situation, it means no longer fighting reality. It is what it is. The sooner you can accept this, the sooner you'll be able to deal with the situation in the best possible way. Accepting a situation might be easier if you ask why not ? instead of why me ? Each and every day thousands of people have to deal with accidents, diseases and other setbacks, so why wouldn't you be one of them ?

Scientific research shows that people who manage to put a positive spin on a negative event are quickly bouncing back: they're less prone to stress and are more optimistic. When a bad thing happens, putting a negative spin on it only makes it worse. Putting a positive spin on the event means deciding the meaning of events in your life. You either help yourself or harm yourself by the choice you make. When you choose a positive meaning, your life improves. When you choose a negative meaning, your life becomes worse.

You have to become your own personal spin doctor. The term spin doctor became a common addition to our language in the 1980s. Its exact origin is uncertain, but spin doctor is often used to describe public relations experts as well as political or corporate representatives whose job it is to put a 'positive spin' on events or situations. The verb spin doctoring is also commonly used to describe the work of a spin doctor. If we control the spin, or direction, of an object, we are showing sides of it we want to show while not shedding light on the rest. A spin doctor uses spin control to emphasize or exaggerate the most positive aspect of something. We can do the same in our personal lives. When confronted with disease, perhaps you started to live more consciously, enjoying the little things in life. Or maybe the relationship with your partner has become more intense.

Learning to be positive requires a deliberate shift in thinking. You can't just will yourself into a different emotional state, the first step starts with changing your interpretation of events. Step back and see things from a bigger perspective. Instead of focusing on the negative, look for the positive in a stressful event. Being temporarily unemployed, for example, could prompt you to find a more satisfying job or line of work. The end of a love affair can signal a new beginning in another part of your life. Every time you handle a challenge successfully, no matter how small it is, you gain a sense of mastery and control that will help you be a better problem-solver or a more positive thinker. It is really possible to spin any event into some type of positive, it may not completely overshadow the entire circumstance but it does feel good to see some light at the end of the tunnel. Even if the only positive you can come up with is the fact that something bad happened but now it is over with. Being thankful for a bad situation or occurrence to being over with is a surefire way of always having something positive to say after every event in your life.

Make a conscious and determined decision to drop all of your negative self-talk and thinking immediately. Unproductive thoughts and highly charged feeling serve to fuel the emotional fire. Dropping the doom-and-gloom thinking will help prevent you from going into panic mode or depression. Roll with the punches and focus on what you can learn from this negative experience. A positive spin can be put on it by reframing it. We must keep in mind that it is not the events that shape our lives but our response to them.

Ask yourself questions like What's gotten better since this happened ?, Which positive effects did this have on my relationships ? or To which extent have I developed myself since this event ? and What did I start to appreciate more ?

Daily stress

Daily problems, irritations and stress, such as a high work load, or problems with the neighbors, have a higher impact on mental and physical health than major setbacks such as divorce or dismissal, exactly because they influence our well being on a daily basis. People differ in the way they deal with these daily events. The same event might freak out one person, while it hardly influences someone else. Some people are utterly annoyed when they drive to work and are held up in traffic, while others put on some music and relax.

Research shows that people with a tendency to avoid problem solving, experience more stress and are not in good health. If the neighbors' yelling disturbs you, but you don't dare to talk to them about it, the yelling won't stop. If you don't have enough money, and escape in dreaming about winning the lottery, nothing will change. If you postpone solving a problem, it's a short time 'solution' but it won't help you in the long run. It's better to face and solve your daily problems. If you're annoyed because you're held up in traffic, try to find an alternative route, or an alternative means of transport, or decide not to be annoyed. Do some relaxation exercise and enjoy the quiet moment. If the neighbors bother you, talk to them in a friendly yet determined way. If you've got money problems, don't dream about a luxury vacation on the white beaches of some exotic island, but look into ways of making more money.

All of this sounds very logical, yet many people avoid solving their problems. Lots of people aren't assertive, and afraid to hurt others. Furthermore, lots of people have a tendency to avoid negative situations and emotions, because those are simply 'no fun'.

If you have a tendency to postpone working on solving your daily problems, it might help to work on building self esteem (see 14 steps: Self Esteem). If you believe in yourself, you'll also believe you've got the power to solve your problems and to give a positive spin on your life. Of course, not all problems can be solved. Some things, like unannounced visitors on your doorstep, or a burned meal, have to be accepted. Try to relax and ask yourself: how much of a problem is this anyway ? Try to make the best of it. For these small problems it's the same as for major setbacks, try to see the positive. Maybe you burned the potatoes, but when you quickly go out to buy French fries, the children might be delighted.

Exercise

Think back to the last time you had to deal with a major problem or a difficult situation. What did you do? For each of the following, indicate the degree to which you responded that way: not at all, a little, moderately, strongly.

• You blamed yourself
• You accepted the situation: it is what it is
• You tried not to think about the situation
• You worried about the problem
• You escaped in daydreaming
• You tried to see the advantages of the situation
• You blamed others
• You downplayed the problem: it wasn't that bad
• You prayed to God
• You felt helpless
• You talked to others about it
• You made a plan to solve the problem
• Something else, more specifically ...

Look back and think about whether you chose a constructive way to deal with the problem or situation. What could you have done differently ?

Can you, in hindsight, put a positive spin on the situation ? What are the advantages ? What has become better since that situation ? Did you encounter new changes and possibilities since then ?

Previous: 14 steps: Improve your communication skills

Next: 14 steps: Solving problems

The past and the future

Many people are occupied with the future. If I have that new job / if the renovation of our house has finished / if I get pregnant, then I’ll be happy. If, if, if … And when they finally get what they desire, they want something else. They postpone happiness and never feel truly happy. Instead of postponing happiness, try enjoying the moment. You don’t know what the future will bring.

In order to enjoy the moment, you have to be aware of this moment, you have to experience this moment, be aware of what’s happening, and be aware of your feelings. That’s problematic for many of us. People often are in a hurry, they don’t stand still, they are on automatic pilot. Have you ever experienced driving somewhere and suddenly noticing you’re there already? The miles in between totally escaped your conscience.

Are you letting your responses and reactions to life’s circumstances and events be dictated by your previous values, attitudes and beliefs or are your responses a result of living in the present? When you react without getting conscious, when you don’t live in the present, you risk saying or doing things you’ll regret later. When you react from your history, from your learned attitudes, beliefs, expectations, prejudices, values or historically directed emotions, you risk overreacting, not reacting appropriately, reacting too slow or too fast. This is likely to cause continued stress, anxiety and continued unresolved personal feelings. When we are on automatic pilot, we miss out on big chunks of life. We are not fully present to ourselves—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Mindfulness

Living in the present, in the moment, is a state of consciousness called mindfulness. The first component of mindfulness involves the self-regulation of attention so that it is maintained on immediate experience, thereby allowing for increased recognition of mental events in the present moment. The second component involves adopting a particular orientation toward one’s experiences in the present moment, an orientation that is characterized by curiosity, openness, and acceptance. Self-regulated attention involves conscious awareness of one’s current thoughts, feelings, and surroundings, which can result in metacognitive skills for controlling concentration. The orientation to experience involves accepting one’s mindstream, maintaining open and curious attitudes, and thinking in alternative categories.

Mindfulness can be used as a psychological tool capable of stress reduction and the elevation of several positive emotions or traits. Human response to stress factors in the environment produces emotional and physiological changes in individual human bodies in order to cope with that stress. In modern society however, much of the stress felt is not beneficial in this way. Stress has been shown to have several negative effects on health, happiness and overall wellbeing.

Mindfulness deepens the experiences of daily life. It’s about really tasting what you’re eating, instead of mindlessly chewing away your dinner, perhaps in front of the television. It’s about kissing your partner in a conscious way, making kissing far more intimate. It’s also about not worrying about later on. About not feeling pressure of modern life. You don’t have to call that acquaintance just because you think it’s expected. You don’t have drive to work in a hurry, stressed out about traffic. You can drive there consciously, only focussing on the ride. It’s the moment that counts, life is good this very moment.

Although it sounds simple, living in the moment really isn’t . Try focussing on an object, for example the pen on your desk, or a single flower, and see how long you can keep that up. Probably no longer than a few seconds. Your attention probably keeps getting sidetracked by the numerous thoughts in your head.

Standing still can also be very confrontational. You might notice you feel sad, or tense, uncomfortable or stressed. As you don’t want to feel that way, chances are you will quickly focus on something else. Pushing away thoughts and feelings isn’t helpful though. The more you push away a thought or a feeling, the stronger it will come back.

Meditation – standing still

How can you learn to live in the present? The answer is meditation. Most people picture themselves sitting in lotus position on the floor, eyes closed. That definition of meditation is too narrow though. Meditation is about standing still and being present, that’s all. You can meditate while riding your bike, peeling potatoes, or walking the dog. It’s a matter of focussing on what you’re doing, be it doing the dishes, putting your child to bed or folding laundry.

When you’re doing the dishes (by hand, not using a dishwasher machine), feel the temperature of the water, feel the structure of the foam, and the form of the cups you’re washing. Feel drops of water slide over your hands, feel the muscles you are using, …

The only way to do something consciously is to do one thing at a time. Don’t watch television while eating, don’t read the newspaper while someone is talking to you.

When you often get sidetracked by your thoughts, try observing your thoughts. Close your eyes and see yourself as the blue sky. Your thoughts are like clouds floating by. Watch your thoughts coming and going, like clouds: the grocery shopping list, a melody of a song, something you have to do later today, … Don’t judge those thoughts, just let them be.

When you practise observing your thoughts on a regular basis a phenomenon called cognitive dissociation appears. While in psychology cognitive dissociation can refer to a process you don’t want, in this context it’s actually a good thing. By observing your thoughts and feelings, you’ll notice those thoughts and feelings come and go, like clouds in the sky. You’ll realise you are not those thoughts and feelings, you just have them. When you feel miserable or sad, you’ll know those feelings will pass. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Handling your thoughts and feelings this way also is called thought surfing or emotional surfing. You don’t try to escape those feelings, but you also don’t let them drag you down. You’ll experience those feelings without feeling out of balance. This makes it easier to stand still.

Freedom of choice

This also creates freedom of choice. If you’re not conscious, and living on automatic pilot, your previous values, attitudes or beliefs dictate your life. When you think you’ll have to work in the garden, because the neighbours’ gardens all look fantastic, even though you’re exhausted, you’ll start working in your garden. When you’re aware of the fact this is just a thought, a belief, you can choose to do something else. Take a warm bath or go for a relaxing walk, instead of working in the garden, for example.

From driving on automatic pilot you can change to driving a stick, and make authentic choices for certain behaviour. You don’t let yourself be dictated by obligations, expectations or habits.

Anchor moments

Is driving on automatic pilot all bad? Of course not. You don’t have to be aware of what’s happening around you all the time, it would drive you crazy. In order to experience the benefits of mindfulness, you don’t have to experience every single moment of the day in a conscious way. It’s enough to build in a couple of anchor moments, moments where you consciously choose to live in the moment. When you have to wait for a red light, or in line at the supermarket, try focussing on your breath. Feel how your feet touch the ground, relax the muscles in your face. Stand still. Tell yourself: “This is it, I might just as well enjoy it”.

Previous: Promote Yourself

In order to build good relationships and reach goals, social skills are crucially important. When thinking about social skills, many people think about the ability to smooth talk. Socially skilled people are indeed capable of communicating their feelings and thoughts. They're capable of effectively communicating their ideas. People who aren't as proficient, often think they've got lousy social skills. However, there's more to having social skills than talking. Being able to say what you want, without hurting others, being able to actively listen, being able to read and use body language, ... those things are just as important.

Say what you mean

In order to keep a conversation going, stand up for your needs, criticise or react to criticism, give or accept a compliment, you have to open your mouth. Many people find it difficult to tell other people what's bothering them. Often people rub other people the wrong way, and this gives way to fights. The other person feels attacked and gets defensive: "That's not true!", "Look who's talking!". Before you know it, you end up fighting.

In order to put what's bothering you on the table, you might try the XYZ formula. This is a way to phrase things. In situation (X), when you do (Y), I feel (Z). This way it's not as much criticism, as it's a complaint. For example: "When we are driving (X), and you change the radio station without asking (Y), I feel like I don't matter to you." This sounds very different from "Who made you king of the radio?"

Sometimes it's explained a little differently: name the behaviour (X) that's bothering you (don't play the man, play the ball), name the situation (Y) in which this behaviour occurred, and tell which feelings (Z) this behaviour caused. For example: "You being an hour late (X) for our appointment (Y), makes me feel you think our appointment isn't important, and that makes me sad (Z). This sounds very different from "You're always late!"

Once you've said what's bothering you, say how you'd like things to be. Don't demand anything, don't pose ultimatums, don't make threats. Just describe your wishes. For example: "I would like you to be on time next time. That we we can spend some time catching up before dinner."

It's best to be brief. No monologues. People usually can concentrate just 30 seconds at a time during a conversation. Keep your message short. Give the other person time to react. Phrase your message in a positive way. If you use too many negations and negative formulations, it seems like you're nagging and whining, and people don't like to listen to that.

Active listening

Listening is just as important as talking. Even if someone communicates their feelings very well, if the other person isn't listening, the message won't get across. Listening is important in order to have a pleasant conversation. It's very annoying if you get interrupted or someone can't wait to air their viewpoint. If you really get listened to, it's a pleasant experience. Listening to the other person not only means you're hearing what they're saying, but also trying to understand what they're trying to say. This is called active listening.

LEAPS

LEAPS stands for Listen, Empathise, Ask, Paraphrase, Summarise. When you listen, have an open mind, hear the words, interpret the meaning and act upon the words. Empathise, and don't confuse empathy with sympathy. Empathy is seeing through the eyes of the other person. Then ask, for clarification, in order to find facts, to seek opinion. Next paraphrase, express the message in different (your own) words, and finally summarise. Condense all that's been said and put it in a simple statement. Be brief and concise.

A different version of LEAPS is Listen, Empathise, Apologise, Positive attitude, Solve. There are similar systems, like LEAP (Listen, Empathise, Agree, Partner), basically meaning listening for what the person finds motivating, empathising with them, finding common ground you can agree on, and partnering with them to address common goals. There's also a different version of LEAP (Listen, Empathise, Apologise, Problem-solve), or yet another (Listen, Empathise, Ask, Produce results). They all more or less boil down to the same thing.

Use body language

The use of body language is another social skill. With a smile, eye contact, an interested posture and enthusiastic charisma you'll get more done than with an uninspired attitude. The importance of body language often is underestimated. Research shows that 80 % of communication consists of body language. Try taking that into account.

If you are the one listening, don't cross your legs and arms, mirror your conversation partner. This way you show openness and enthusiasm, and you enlarge the chance people want to tell you their story. If you are the speaker, make sure your body language is in line with what you're saying. If you are communicating your anger, make sure your voice is powerful, and stand up straight, both feet on the ground. That way your message will come across a whole lot better than when you're speaking in a soft voice, avoiding eye contact, looking at the floor.

An audience is captivated by speakers using gestures to accentuate their message. Also make eye contact, whether you're listening or talking. Don't stare though. Don't look more than 4.5 seconds at the other person, or it becomes staring. If you're listening watch the speaker about 75% of the time, if you're speaking, watch the listener about 40% of the time.

Role play

Ask a friend, partner or family member to do the following exercise with you. Think of a topic you don't agree on, for example the question whether chocolate ice cream is better than vanilla ice cream, the question for whom to vote if today there were elections, or the statement a day-nursery is bad for children.

Put an egg-timer or stopwatch on one minute. During this one minute, you get to say what you think about this topic, and why. The other person has to listen actively, and isn't allowed to interrupt. After this one minute, ask yourself the following questions:

• what was it like having someone listen actively?
• what did the other person do to give you the impression they were really listening to you?
• what body language did you use?
• did you use body language to emphasise your words?
• how much eye contact did you have with each other?

Now reverse the roles. Listen actively to the other person during one minute. Afterwards, ask yourself the following questions:

• how hard was it not to interrupt the other person?
• did you use body language to encourage the other person?
• how much eye contact did you have with each other?

Prevent a fight from happening

Next time you're in an argument that risks turning out into a fight, try to use the XYZ formula, and to stick to the LEAP(S) rules. Even though the other person might not do the same, your attitude might very well change the other person's reaction.

Afterwards, evaluate how you influenced the argument by using the XYZ formula, and sticking to the LEAP(S) rules.

Next: 14 steps: Enjoy the moment

Previous: Develop Your Talents

Many people find it hard to say what they're good at. They prefer to be modest. Presenting your qualities in a confident way often is seen as being arrogant. Nevertheless it's important when you want to get things done, or when you want to create opportunities for yourself. When you have e.g. a job interview, it's important you know how to promote your qualities. Otherwise the job might very well go to someone else.

In your private life as well, it's important. When negotiating tasks, in the household, the volunteer board or anywhere else, it's important. If you're too modest, the most fun and challenging tasks will probably get assigned to someone else, and you might get stuck with the boring tasks. This is also annoying for others. It's highly likely your talents will also be appreciated by others. If the task assigned to you is too easy, you might get bored and unmotivated, and it's possible someone else gets assigned a task that's too difficult for them.

Arrogant or confident?

We live in a negative culture. It's easy to tell others what they're doing wrong. And we treat ourselves pretty much the same way: we mostly pay attention to the things we're not good at, or the things that need improvement. Giving ourselves a compliment is not done, especially not out loud. We think this is arrogant. However, this isn't justified. There's a clear divide between being arrogant and being confident.

Arrogant people don't take criticism too well. They've got trouble accepting other viewpoints, and always think they are right, and their qualities are the best. On the other hand, if you're confident, you feel secure and at the same time you're open to other viewpoints. You don't feel threatened by criticism. You pay attention to it, and use it to your advantage.

Arrogance often serves to hide a lack of confidence. Bragging often is a way to hide a feeling of insecurity.

A fear of failure influences presenting strengths. Because if you say you're good at something, you might have to proof it. It's important not to overestimate yourself and it's also important not to promise too much, in order to avoid disappointment. It's important to have a realistic idea of your strengths and weaknesses. When you're really confident, you don't feel shame in admitting you're not up to something. People that try to hide their insecurities, often promise too much.

Use your Inner Coach

I've already mentioned our inner critic, that inner voice that just loves to tear you down, and make you feel miserable. Often you're not even aware of that inner critic. The voice has become all too obvious. It seems ingrained in your entire being. It undermines your confidence.

It seems your inner voice is a bad thing. That's not entirely true though. You are your inner voice. The challenge lies in using this inner voice to your advantage. You can change your inner critic into a coach, encouraging you and cheering you up.

3 against 1

Using your inner voice as a coach, doesn't mean you'll never have negative thoughts again. It's perfectly okay to have negative thoughts about yourself once in a while. Doing stupid things, messing things up, it's all part of life. It's important though not to let these negative thoughts put you down unnecessarily, and to have positive thoughts as well.

Research shows that if you want to feel good about yourself, and bring out the best in you, against every negative thought there have to be at least three positive thoughts. If you often think negatively about yourself, it's difficult to change this behaviour. Don't condemn yourself if you're having negative thoughts. Try to see these thoughts as clouds, just passing by.

20 000 moments

In the beginning thinking positively about yourself might seem artificial. If you do this on a regular basis though, it will become an automatism. You'll become your own coach. The advantages are enormous. According to Nobel Prize winner Daniel Kahneman people experience 20 000 individual moments a day. These moments only last a few seconds. During such a moment you read something, look back on something, or say something to yourself. Imagine using just 1 % of these individual moments to say something nice about yourself, and you'll have 200 encouragements a day !

Exercise

Make a list of 5 qualities you'd like to use more in your professional or private life. Start each sentence with "I am good at ..." or "One of my qualities is ...".

Write down 3 encouraging sentences you can use if things don't go as planned. Examples are: "Everyone makes mistakes", "It's not a shame to fail" or "I'll do better next time".

Read these lists out loud at least twice a day.

Now think about how you can communicate the qualities you wrote down to others. Practise in front of a mirror. Watch your body language, and speak in a clear eloquent voice. You can use sentences like "I'm very good at ...", "One of my qualities is that ...", "The reason I should get this job / task is ...", "An important reason why I should get this task is ...", or variations on this theme.

Next: Improve your Communication Skills

Previous: Promise Less, Do More

Everyone has talents and passions. You can have a talent for writing, painting, cooking, listening, driving, acting and the like. Unfortunately in our society talents and passions that make money are valued most. This is a shame, because many talents that don't make you money, can be valuable, not just for yourself, but also for the people around you. When you write poetry, read someone a book, or make music, you can make someone feel better.

Never too old ...

A lot of people stop developing themselves at an early age. They think the brain is at its top around the age of 25. Yes, memorising a list takes more effort at 40 than at 20. However, it's wrong to think it isn't possible to learn new things. The brain changes constantly. Reacting to the things you do, think and feel, the brain adapts all the time, and new brain cells are developed, new connections between brain cells are being made. By acting in a certain way, you can influence this process.

Practise every day memorising numbers, and you'll see it gets easier. There will be more brain activity in the hippocampus, a part of the forebrain, that belongs to the limbic system and plays major roles in short term memory and spatial navigation. The brain cells will be stimulated and new connections will be made. Memorising numbers will get easier. Compare this to rebuilding a sandy road to a highway. The latter will allow you to drive much faster, and it's more comfortable.

The same is true for playing the violin, learning a new language, or dealing with emotions: you're never too old to learn.

Develop your talents

In order to develop yourself, you will have to know what it is you'd like to learn. Some talents are obvious, yet not always. Someone with a talent for drawing, might not recognise their talent if they were told art isn't important. How can you know you've got a talent for playing the piano, if you've never ever played?

Perhaps your school grades have put you on the wrong track. Many people confuse good grades with talents. Perhaps the bad grades you got, gave you the idea you can't learn something new. It's a pity bad grades risk discouraging you.

Often there's an underlying problem. People differ in the way they learn things. It is commonly believed that most people favour some particular method of interacting with, taking in, and processing stimuli or information. The way we learn things in general and the particular approach we adopt when dealing with problems is said to depend on a somewhat mysterious link between personality and cognition; this link is referred to as cognitive style. When cognitive styles are related to an educational context, they are generally referred to as learning styles, cognitive, affective, and physiological traits that are relatively stable indicators of how learners perceive, interact with, and respond to the learning environment. Over 80 learning style models have been proposed, each consisting of at least two different styles. Right now, let's stick to a two style model.

Field independence and field dependence

Field independence

This person finds it relatively easy to detach an experienced (perceived) item from its given background.

The item is extractable because it is perceived as having a rudimentary meaning on its own; thus it can be moved out of its presented surroundings and into a comprehensive category system---for understanding (and "filing" in memory).

Tendency to show traits of introversion (the person's mental processing can be strongly activated by low-intensity stimulus; hence dislikes excessive input).

Tendency to be "reflective" and cautious in thinking task.

Any creativity or unconventionality would derive from individual's development of criteria on a rational basis.

Performs best on analytical language tasks (e.g. understanding and using correct syntactical structures; semantically ordered comprehension of words; phonetic articulation).

Favours material tending toward the abstract and impersonal; factual or analytical; useful; ideas.

Has affinity for methods which are: focused; systematic; sequential; cumulative.

Likely to set own learning goals and direct own learning; (but may well choose or prefer to use---for own purpose---an authoritative text or passive lecture situation.

"Left hemisphere strengths"

Greater tendency to experience self as a separate entity; with, also a great deal of internal differentiation and complexity.

Personal identity and social role to a large extent self-defined.

More tendency to be occupied with own thoughts and responses; relatively unaware of the subtle emotional content in interpersonal interactions.

Relatively less need to be with people.

Self-esteem not ultimately dependent upon the opinion of others.

Field dependence

This person experiences item as fused with its context; what is interesting is the impression of the whole.

Item is experienced and comprehended as part of an overall associational unity with concrete and personal interconnections; (item's storage in, and retrieval from, memory is via these often affectively-charged associations).

Tendency to show traits of extraversion (person's mental processing is activated by relatively higher-intensity stimulus; therefore likes rich, varied input.

Tendency to be "impulsive" in thinking tasks; "plays hunches".

Any creativity or unconventionality would derive from individual's imaginativeness or "lateral thinking".

Performs best on tasks calling for intuitive "feel" for language (e.g. expression; richness of lexical connotation; discourse; rhythm and intonation).

Prefers material which has a human, social content; or which has fantasy or humour; personal; musical, artistic.

Has affinity for methods in which various features are managed simultaneously; realistically; in significant context.

Less likely to direct own learning; may function well in quasi-autonomy (e.g. "guided discovery"); (but may well express preference for a formal, teacher dominated learning arrangement, as a compensation for own perceived deficiency in ability to structure.

"Right hemisphere strengths".

Tendency to experience and relate not as a completely differentiated "self but rather as---to a degree--- fused with group and with environment.

Greater tendency to defer to social group for identity and role-definition.

More other-oriented (e.g. looking at and scrutinizing other "faces; usually very aware of other" feelings in an interaction; sensitive to "cues".

Greater desire to be with people.

Learning performance much improved if group or authority figure give praise.

Back to talents

Many women have a field dependent learning style. This style isn't better nor worse than an independent learning style. The problem is that in many schools, an emphasis on the independent learning style is dominant. More abstract topics, like mathematics or chemistry, become even more difficult when they are taught to people with a dependent learning style as if everyone has an independent learning style.

If those topics were taught in a different way, people with a dependent learning style would perform better.

Don't go by school grades too much. Don't let grades discourage you and put you off. Let yourself be led by your heart, by things you enjoy. On the other hand, don't make things too difficult for yourself. Develop your talents, not the things you think you ought to be good at.

Once you've found something you're good at, or something that's challenging to you, you'll experience a happy feeling. It's possible you'll get into a situation called flow. Flow is the mental state of operation in which the person is fully immersed in what he or she is doing by a feeling of energised focus, full involvement, and success in the process of the activity. Proposed by positive psychologist Mihály Csíkszentmihályi, the concept has been widely referenced across a variety of fields. In retrospect people often describe this feeling as "everything fell into place" or "I experienced bliss".

Discovering your talents

Following tips can help you to discover and develop your talents.

Find an activity you really like. Ask yourself what you liked in the past. What did you like as a child? Perhaps you can keep a diary in which you write down the moments you felt happy. What were you doing at that moment? If you really don't know what you'd like, you might consider getting tested. Tests might show you your strengths and weaknesses, and which profession or activity might suit you best. Also ask family and friends what they think suits you, and what your strengths and weaknesses are.

Set goals. Developing your talents means you've got to set goals. You want to get better at something. Make your goal realistic and specific. Imagine what you're going to do, and when. Don't say "I am going to learn Spanish" but say "I am going to follow a Spanish language course in September at the Open University".

Challenge yourself. It's most motivating setting a goal that is just above the level you're sure you'll reach. If you go out running, make it your goal to run a couple of hundred metres (but not too many metres) more than yesterday. If you're writing a report, write a report about a topic you've never written about before, but not a totally unfamiliar topic. This way you'll expand your limits, but in a realistic way.

Follow a course. Perhaps it's necessary to follow a course in order to develop your talents. Try finding a course that fits your learning style.

Find partners. Partners who have the same goals, can help you overcome obstacles, motivate you and inspire you. It's nice to develop your talents in the company of others (working together, playing sports together, studying together, ... ).

Believe in yourself. It is easier to develop your talents if you feel confident about yourself and your skills. You won't have a fear of failure and it's easier to concentrate.

What do you want to achieve?

Research shows that if people write down their goals (I want to start my own company within the next two years, I want to learn to play the piano better within a year, ...), their success rate is higher. When you write down your goal, you connect yourself with this goal, and you'll be more motivated.

Write down which talents you want to develop and which goals you want to achieve. Don't forget to set a time period.

Then look at the obstacles, such as money, time, health problems, lack of energy, negative thoughts about yourself, lack of support or help, ... What is the biggest obstacle, and what can you do about it? Talk to people with the same goals, and learn from them.

Next: Promote Yourself

Previous: influence others in a positive way

A successful live means you've got realistic expectations of yourself. You don't have to be the perfect partner / friend / colleague / parent. People that are unreasonably demanding, put themselves under pressure and might become stressed or burned out. It can also influence others. If for example your boss asks you to write a report by tomorrow and you say yes, it's possible you can't honour your promise, and others might be disappointed or get the feeling they can't count on you. It is important you put realistic demands upon yourself.

Being too demanding might stem from a negative sense of self-worth. You don't think you're good enough, and think you'll only be loved if you excel. It's also possible you don't know your limits, or you overestimate yourself. This can also happen if you've got a healthy sense of self-worth. If you've got a positive image of yourself, it's possible you always tend to think it's no problem writing that report by tomorrow (to stick with the example above). People too demanding of themselves, want too much.

Perfect!

Being demanding is related to being perfectionist: you want to do things as good as possible. Being perfectionist isn't wrong in itself. On the contrary, there are advantages. It helps to bring out the best of you. Perfectionism is quite alright, as long as it stays healthy.

This means you like to excel and it's a challenge to do something without mistakes. It becomes unhealthy once you demand you do everything in a perfect way. By putting that much pressure on yourself, you become stressed and afraid of failure. Because nobody's perfect, you'll always be disappointed too. You'll always fall short and can never feel proud about yourself.

Be realistic

If you don't want to become overwrought or disappoint others, be realistic. Following tips can be helpful.

Work on your sense of self-worth

The best way to steer away from unhealthy perfectionism, is to work on your self esteem. When you think positively about yourself, and accept yourself, you won't feel the urge to be perfect and promise heaven on earth.

Want versus have to

Perfectionism becomes unhealthy if you have to be perfect. Notice there are so many things you have to, deliberately replace the words have to by want to or can. "I want to get an A on this exam", feels more relaxed than "I have to get an A on this exam" or "I can' make mistakes". That way it's also possible to discover what you want and don't want. Perhaps you'll notice there aren't so many things you have to do. Perhaps you'll find out someone else should do some of the things you saddle yourself with.

Be honest

In order to become realistic, you'll have to be honest, first and foremost with yourself. When someone asks you something, don't answer automatically in an affirmative way, but ask respite. Say for example: "I'm not sure if that's possible, I'll let you know as soon as possible" or "I have so see whether this fits my schedule". Verify how much time and energy it will consume. Is it realistic? Do you want to answer the request? Can you? When you've made up the balance, it's time to be honest with the other person. If in doubt, hold back a little. Say for example: "I will do my best, but I'm not sure it will work". Also ask for what you need. Think time, money, materials or help.

If you're honest with yourself and others, you take away the pressure. It also prevents you from disappointing others. If, perhaps against all odds, you manage to succeed anyway, you and others will be pleasantly surprised.

Exercises

The following exercises can help you to be more realistic and honest.

Realistic promises

Think about a recent situation in which you made a promise or commitment that wasn't entirely realistic. Answer following questions: whom did you make this promise to, and about what? To what extent were you fooling yourself? To what degree did you have to convince yourself to keep this promise? If you knew the promise wasn't realistic, why did you make it anyway? Was there something you were afraid of? Did you want to avoid something, like a fight? In retrospect, what would you have done or said instead?

Future requests

Imagine a request you can expect to be made in the upcoming month by your boss, colleague, partner or family. Imagine how much time and energy it's going to ask from you. What's the situation? To what extent to you have the time or energy to answer this request? What can you say in order to make a realistic promise or commitment?

Test: how much of a perfectionist are you?

Answer the following questions with yes, sometimes or no.

1. I feel guilty if I don't get it 100% right
2. I'm afraid others might not like me as much if I fail
3. When I start something, I'm afraid of failing
4. No matter how well I do, I'm never satisfied with my achievements
5. I worry about mistakes
6. I am proud if I get it 100% right
7. I like to give the best of me
8. My successes stimulate me
9. It's a challenge to be the best I can
10. I like to be better than others

For each time you've answered yes, you get 2 points. For each time you've answered sometimes you get 1 point. Add up the points for questions 1 to 5. This is your score for unhealthy perfectionism. Add up the points for questions 6 to 10. This is your score for healthy perfectionism.

Unhealthy perfectionism

8 points or more: you suffer from unhealthy perfectionism and put too much stress on yourself. It's important to work on your self esteem.
4 - 7 points: to an extent you suffer from unhealthy perfectionism. You'll feel much better if you are realistic, and throw guilt overboard.
0 - 3 points: you don't suffer much from unhealthy perfectionism. Mistakes and shortcomings don't get under your skin. You know you're only human.

Healthy perfectionism

8 points or more: you're a perfectionist in a good way. You like to excel because it makes you feel good. Beware though. Don't mix up the things you want and the things you have to.
4 - 7 points: you're a perfectionist to a certain extent. You like to do things as good a possible, but you don't strive for perfection all the time.
0 - 3 points: you're not at all a perfectionist. That's fine, but if you want to improve your achievements, a healthy dose of perfectionism might help you.

Healthy and unhealthy perfectionism can coexist. It's possible you like to achieve but at the same time you think you have to.

Next: Develop Your Talents

Previous: Make Contact

Living together and working together is easier if you know how to motivate and inspire others. Whether it's your children, partner, friends or colleagues, there are many advantages to approaching others in a positive way. They'll appreciate your company more, will often be more prepared to help you, and will value your opinion more.

The power of a compliment

An important and fun way to inspire someone is to give them a compliment. One of the most important needs people have is the need for recognition and appreciation. A compliment can meet those needs. By giving a compliment you give others a good feeling about what they're doing, as well as the feeling that what they're doing is appreciated. Still, people are very sparse when it comes to giving compliments. They think other people will lean back whenever they get a compliment. If you for example tell your daughter a C+ is good, she might think she doesn't need to study. That's the reason most people are rather harsh. They whine and threaten others in the hope the other person will do what they want them to do. Most of the time this doesn't work though. The other person feels they've failed and is discouraged. A compliment, on the other hand, does work. Praising your daughter (it's good you still got a C+ for that difficult topic) increases the chance she'll work hard at school. The compliment encourages her to work hard. Complimenting someone doesn't guarantee positive behaviour, but chances are better. Compliments also augment people's self-worth. Children especially need to hear something positive once in a while. They need even more affirmation than adults.

To the point and sincere

In order to have the desired effect, compliments should meet certain requirements.

Rule 1: be sincere

Only give compliments you really mean. People will know if you don't mean it. At times it's difficult to come up with something positive and if you really can't come up with something you could tell the other person how you'd like something to be done, and how you'd appreciate it. You could for example say (to stick with the daughter at school example): "It would mean a lot to me if you'd work harder at school".

Rule 2: say why

Most people only say what they appreciate, and forget about the why. If a friend just got a hair cut and you only say: "Your hair looks nice", it might seem you only want to be polite. You're also complimenting the hair dresser, instead of your friend. Say for example: "You chose a nice hair cut, it really fits your style".

Rule 3: start with their first name

By mentioning someone's first name, the compliment gets really personal. You show them the compliment is really meant for them. People also pay more attention to sentences in which their name is mentioned. To a colleague you could for instance say: "Paul, you did really well on that report".

Don't get all wound up

Influencing others in a positive way isn't only done by giving people compliments, but also by not reacting in a negative way to others, even if they're trying to provoke you. Whenever someone makes an unreasonable or critical remark, most people automatically get all defensive. Not because they're looking for a fight, but because they want to protect their sense of self-worth. Unfortunately there's a risk of escalation, because the reactions back and forth might get more damaging and hurtful. Try not to react immediately. Stay calm and friendly. Ask for clarification or say you didn't know there was a problem. If you stay calm, friendly and positive, there's a chance of "emotional contamination". Emotional contamination is the phenomenon that people, unintentionally, mimic other people's facial expressions, body language and emotions. Research shows emotional contamination works best with positive things. People are more likely to mimic a smile than a frown.

Cool down

It's not easy to remain friendly and positive when for example your partner is in an awful mood. It requires self control and empathy. Following tips can help you to remain calm and in a good mood.

Tip 1: take a time-out

If, during a conversation, you get very upset, angry or stressed, a time-out is a sensible thing to take. Go to the bathroom, or go for a walk. Tell your partner you're going to do something else for a bit, because you're too upset or angry or stressed. You can e.g. agree to continue the conversation in an hour, or the next day.

Tip 2: display opposite behaviour

If you're angry or stressed, it might help to show some opposite behaviour. Relax and try to look friendly. Tell the other person you care for them, or slowly drink a glass of water. Because your senses get a different kind of input, your brain thinks you're no longer angry.

Tip 3: reflect

Ask yourself why someone is reacting in an angry or unreasonable way. Try to see their side. Wonder whether they're tense or tired. Perhaps something happened at work or school.

Showing involvement

In order to stimulate people, it also helps if you show involvement in what they're doing. In order to stimulate your daughter to do her homework, you could show an interest in the topics she is studying at school. Remarks like "I will think of you when you're taking your exam" or "You can call me any time whenever you need help" are helpful too. Research shows people will perform better that way.

People might also feel stimulated if you involve them in what's important for you. Ask a colleague their opinion about a project you're leading, or ask your partner to help you sort the holiday pictures for example. Even though you can do those things yourself, perhaps even better, you give people the idea their contribution is appreciated.

Exercise

Think about someone you'd like to compliment., for example your child, partner, neighbour or colleague. Resolve to compliment them next time you see them. Already write down what you could say.

Think about someone close who has to do something difficult soon, or who has an appointment they're not looking forward to, like an exam, a doctor's appointment or a boring meeting. Resolve to say something supportive. Already think about what you could say and write it down. Next time you'll see this person, follow through. Intent on saying something supportive at least once a day.

Next: Promise less, do more

A French woman with an incurable facial tumour who lost a legal challenge seeking euthanasia has died at her home near Dijon at the age of 52.

Previous: Needs

Become Assertive

In order to be yourself and lead the life that suits you, you have to be assertive. Being assertive means you communicate your rights, boundaries and values and at the same time respect other people's rights, boundaries and values. Being assertive doesn't equal being aggressive. Aggressive people don't respect others, they merely (try to) dominate. Assertive behaviour is about equality in relationships with others. You're assertive when you say 'No' to a request you don't like, when you stand up for your opinion, when you tell what's bothering you or when you tell how you feel. If you don't stand up for yourself, you let others or your obligations determine your life.

Not determining your own life will cause a lot of stress. Some people even suffer from all kinds of physical stress symptoms such as insomnia, hyperventilation or even burn-out. Being assertive isn't just advantageous for your own wellbeing. Others will also gain. If you say 'No' or make understood what it is you want, the other will know where he stands.

Besides, others can only be considerate if they know your boundaries. A lot of misunderstandings are caused by people not saying what they really want. Afterwards others often say: Then why didn't you say so?

Assertive or aggressive?

Babies are very assertive. They cry when they're hungry or thirsty and they protest if they don't agree with something. Somewhere during childhood the idea one has to be humble and polite creeps in. Saying 'No', getting angry, speaking up when you don't agree with something, telling others what it is you want, goes against the idea of friendliness and modesty.

A lot of people are afraid that, if they say what they think or what they want, they'll get judged negatively or are considered unfriendly or inconsiderate. They think they'll hurt the other person or they think they're impolite or rude when they speak up for themselves. What people seem to forget is that they don't have the power to hurt someone. It all depends on what this other person does with these remarks. Suppose you call someone an idiot in a fit of rage. This person might be insulted or might think you have a point, without feeling hurt by that remark.

Instead of being too humble, some people get too aggressive. Aggressive people aren't assertive either. They aren't considerate. Aggressive people think they'll get attacked and seem to think the best defence is a good offence. Aggressive people often were hurt during their childhood. A lot of people just don't know how to be assertive either. Their parents never set the example, and they're not aware things can be done differently.

Often women are considered less assertive than men, yet this isn't true. Women might be assertive in another way. Women often are less direct but they get at least as much done as men. They just communicate their criticism, demands and boundaries in a more indirect way.

Stand up for yourself

If you find it difficult to stand up for yourself, you shouldn't worry. Assertiveness can be learnt. Assertiveness is based on a healthy amount of self esteem. Only when you trust you're worth it, you will be able to demand attention for yourself and your needs.

For this reason it's important to appreciate yourself. Nevertheless it can be difficult to say 'No'. You might feel guilty, you might want to help out, even though you're incapable of helping out, or you might feel you're failing. The following tips will help you to say 'No' when someone asks you something you don't want.

Tip 1

Realise you're saying 'No' to the request, not to the person making the request.

Tip 2

When someone asks you to do something you don't want to do, give yourself some time. Say for example you're going to get a drink. This will give you time to think about what you'd like to say, for example: I would like to think about this, I'll let you know tomorrow. The next day you could e.g. say: About yesterday, I've thought about it, and I've decided not to do it. It doesn't fit me.

Tip 3

If you want to say 'No', don't feel obligated to give an extensive explanation. That way it seems you are apologising, while you've got every right to say 'No'. Just say: I won't do that, as I don't have the time. Or perhaps: I won't do that, as I really dislike it.

Tip 4

If you've given in, realise you've got the right to change your mind. 'It doesn't feel right' often is good enough an argument.

Tip 5

If people don't accept your answer, and do they start nagging, or are they trying to flatter you into agreeing, say something like: I already clearly said no, and I would like you to respect that. This way you've very clearly communicated your boundaries.

Tip 6

Eighty per cent of a message is non verbal. Use assertive body language. You can practise this in front of a mirror. Stand on both legs, straighten your back and look at yourself in the mirror, whilst saying for example: I want to be left alone now. How does this look? Aggressive, assertive or shy? Practise until you've found the right body language. Ask your partner or a friend how you come across.

Rights

In each social situation you've got the following rights:
1.The right to judge your own behaviour.
2.The right not to give an explanation for your behaviour.
3.The right to change your opinion.
4.The right to make mistakes.
5.The right to say: I don't know.
6.The right to be illogical whilst taking decisions.
7.The right to say: I don't understand.
8.The right to say: I don't care.
9.The right to decide for yourself whether you'll look for a solution to other people's problems.

No means no

Think about two situations from the past, where someone asked you something and you said 'yes' while you didn't want to. Why did you say 'yes' after all? Think about what you could have said instead. Also think about a sentence you could use next time you don't want something.

Some assertive sentences

I want you to help me.
This is your problem.
I'd rather you don't interfere.
Try it yourself.
I'm out.
No, I can't.
I am entitled to this.
I expect more from you.
I think it's none of your business.
You are right.
I would appreciate it if you'd consider my wishes.

Next: Make Contact

Previous: Know yourself

Needs

To be happy, it's necessary to give yourself what you need. To be able to do that, you first have to know what it is you need. Needs are different from personal values. Personal values refer to areas of life, areas that interest you, areas you're passionate about. Things you need in order to feel good about yourself, to be yourself, are your needs. Those things can be both small and large. Possibly you need attention, love, flexible work hours, more time with your partner, a ham and cheese sandwich or a hot bath.

Sometimes it's perfectly clear what you need, and it's quite simple to give yourself what you need. When you are hungry, you make a sandwich or something else. It's possible you feel lonely because you don't have a partner. In that case you'll have to find yourself a new love. Sometimes it's not so clear what you need. You feel unfulfilled but you don't know why. You've got everything you ever dreamt about 20 years ago: a beautiful house, a family, enough money … and yet still you feel restless and unsatisfied.

Unfulfilled needs

The theory by psychologist Abraham Maslow, Maslow's hierarchy of needs, can help you discover what it is you need. Maslow's hierarchy of needs is often depicted as a pyramid consisting of five levels: the four lower levels are grouped together as deficiency needs associated with physiological needs, while the top level is termed growth needs associated with psychological needs. Deficiency needs must be met first. Once these are met, seeking to satisfy growth needs drives personal growth. The higher needs in this hierarchy only come into focus when the lower needs in the pyramid are satisfied.

The bottom of the pyramid consists of physiological basic needs, like shelter, food, and warmth. You don't feel anything when these needs are met, but if they aren't, you'll feel anxious. If you are hungry or thirsty or your body is chemically unbalanced, all of your energies turn toward remedying these deficiencies, and other needs remain inactive. When you are really hungry and terribly cold, you won't enjoy listening to music, or looking at art. Instead you first want to eat and put on some extra clothes. If some needs are not fulfilled, a human's physiological needs take the highest priority. Physiological needs can control thoughts and behaviours, and can cause people to feel sickness, pain, and discomfort.

Safety needs are one step higher up the pyramid. After physiological and safety needs are fulfilled, the third layer of human needs is social. Humans need to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance. They need to love and be loved. All humans have a need to be respected, to have self-esteem, self-respect, and to respect others (fourth layer).

They upper three layers are growth needs, enduring motivations or drivers of behaviour. These are cognitive needs, aesthetic needs and the need for self-actualisation. In Maslow's scheme, the final stage of psychological development comes when the individual feels assured that his physiological, security, affiliation and affection, self-respect, and recognition needs have been satisfied. As these become dormant, he becomes filled with a desire to realise all of his potential for being an effective, creative, mature human being.

Maslow's need hierarchy is set forth as a general proposition and does not imply that everyone's needs follow the same rigid pattern. However, his theory is highly informative. It can help you trace unfulfilled needs. If you encounter the same problems in love, over and over again, it's possible you haven't met the underlying need of safety. You may have an alarm system in check, but perhaps you don't feel safe emotionally. Perhaps you feel others can't be trusted, and you can't leave your guard down. This feeling of unsafety makes it hard to allow yourself to be vulnerable in a relationship, and can lead to a fear of abandonment. In order to get what you need out of a relationship, you will first have to (re)find a feeling of safety.

The same is true for other layers of needs. If you notice it's impossible to be successful or get recognition in your field of expertise, perhaps you didn't fulfil some underlying need. Perhaps you don't have a sense of belonging, and you feel lonely. Perhaps you don't seem to be able to connect with colleagues at work, and don't use your full networking potential.

Recognise your needs

If you aren't in touch with yourself, it's possible you don't recognise your needs. It happens to everyone to some extent. When you e.g. are highly concentrated, you might not notice you need to go to the bathroom, or might ignore the feeling, until it's (almost) too late.

Some people ignore other needs, especially needs they think aren't socially acceptable. If you were told that crying is a sign of weakness, you possibly push away your tears, swallow your tears. If you were told sex is dirty, it's difficult to recognise you need sex.

Pushing aside your needs is unhealthy. It makes you feel frustrated and unfulfilled. Many needs can't be pushed aside for long either. They'll find a way out, and can manifest themselves in annoying ways. It's even possible you'll get depressed and develop all kinds of psychosomatic symptoms.

An example is the burn-out. People that are experiencing a burn-out have worked hard, but were at the same time ignoring other needs, the need for rest, relaxation, healthy food, … At a certain point body and mind can't continue to work until those needs are met. Unfortunately the situation by then has gotten real bad; people have crossed their boundaries so far, that it takes a very long time before they can feel healthy and happy again.

Determine and write down your needs

Determining your needs requires you to have an honest and accepting look at yourself, without judging your needs. What is it you really need? What's stopping you from satisfying your needs? Is there a voice in your head telling you it's wrong, or are you afraid of what other people might think? How can you give yourself what you really need? Write down the three most unfulfilled needs. What do you long for that you haven't got?

Not all needs are equally realistic and not all needs can be totally met. If you e.g. need comfort and luxury, but you don't make a lot of money, it's not a very realistic need. There's no use to dwell upon this, as it will only frustrate you. Do you have everything you've always wanted, the house, car, family, career … then perhaps it's important to learn to appreciate the small things in life.

Instead of constantly wishing for a better life, take up the challenge to enjoy what is, the here and now. How to do that will be explained later on.

Next: Become Assertive

Previous: Self Esteem

Know yourself

In order to create a life that suits you, it's important to know what's really important to you. Find out what your passions, interests and preferences are. These are called 'personal values'. Friendship can be very important, but also children, money, power or justice.

There are hundreds of personal values, and thousands of things one can find important. Some personal values are like a silken red thread throughout life. The importance of certain values can change over time. Young people value having fun a lot, young parents consider family life to be most important, and perhaps spirituality becomes more important when getting older.

Most people know more or less what they consider to be important in life, but they find it hard to put this to words. It's worthwile trying though, since you need to know exactly what your personal values are, in order to arrange your life in the most optimal way.

What do you want?

Some people know exactly what they find important. But this isn't the case for everyone. Perhaps the things you once thought were important, are no longer fitting. People that still pursue the things they wanted when they were twenty, often get stuck at fourty. There also are a lot of people that think they know what they want, while actually it doesn't make them happy.

Do you think you like to help others? Ask yourself whether you're actually helping others because it really interests you. Many people are afraid of being rejected, if they're not helping others. Let me give you another example: does your career really satisfy you, or do you think negatively about yourself, and do you want to prove yourself?

People that let their fears and frustrations lead them, are constantly trying to close a hole in their hearts. It's like carrying water to the sea: it's useless, it's never enough and it continues forever. It doesn't make you happy, at the most it prevents you from being unhappy.

Fears and frustrations, like fog, can cover your real personal values. They mask what really interests you and makes you happy. Choose authentic values. Authentic values give energy and a genuine feeling of happiness and satisfaction.

No fear

To be happy, you need to discover your authentic personal values. What do you find attractive, fascinating and important in your heart? You'll have to recognise and accept possible fears and frustrations. Some of those stem from one's youth. Many parents couldn't satisfy their child's need for attention, emotional security, love, comfort or help. Didn't you get what you emotionally needed in your youth? Take a good look at yourself, and accept this.

You won't be feeling any better by pursueing a career, or always helping others. Only when you recognise and accept this, you can to what is most fitting for you, and become truly happy.

Almost everyone has certain fears and limitations. Some are afraid they won't be able to deal with something, some think they lack determination, others have health concerns, are low on energy and always feel tired. Because of these kind of things, perhaps you don't see clearly what you'd like to do most of all, and do you limit yourself to things that don't really matter.

Physical or mental limitations are of course annoying, but many people give up too easily, they think they won't succeed anyway. The consequence is they don't take up the challenge, held back by fears that aren't real. Try to determine how real your fears really are. Aren't you exaggerating? What is the worst that could happen. Does the world fall apart, or isn't it as bad after all? Think about what you could do if things do go wrong. This way, your fears will diminish, and you'll dare to do what your really want.

Discover your personal values

In the past as well as in the future there are clues to your personal values.

Think about the moments in your life when everything felt just right. Try to picture these moments. Where were you, with whom, what were you doing?

Do these moments have something in common? Do they share certain values? These might very well be your personal values, the silver red thread throughout your life.

Imagine yourself at your eightiest birthday. Family members or friend have organised a party for you, to show you how much they love you. Each person is telling something about your life.

What would you like them to tell? How would you have people look at you? How do you want to be remembered? Would you like to be able to say you've seen a lot of the world? Would you like to have written a book? Would you like to be remembered for your help of handicapped people?

Make a top 5 of your personal values, the most important one at the top.

Examples of personal values

variation, helping others, balance, satisfaction, creativity, expertise, honesty, recognition, equality, money, ease of mind, health, harmony, intellectual challenge, knowledge, art, love, power, environment, music, independance, prestige, relationships, beauty, spirituality, sport, status, challenge, peace, friendship, liberty, security, self expression, self realisation, ...

Next: Needs

Appreciate yourself

People with high self esteem think positively about themselves, and accept themselves. They think: "I'm a good person". People with low self esteem on the other hand are too critical. They don't think they're attractive, smart, spontaneous or slim, and they always feel they're never good enough.

Self esteem is one of the most important building blocks for a succesful life. People with a healthy self esteem think positively about themselves, and feel strong and in control of their lives. People with low self esteem let others or circumstances determine their lives. Not because they're lazy, but because they think it doesn't matter what they think or do.

They deprive themselves of an important opportunity to be happy. Of course one can't control every aspect of life, but many aspects can be influenced.

Your inner critic

It's not always easy to accept oneself, and to think positively about oneself. It's rarely good enough. Many people grew up thinking they have to be modest. That's why they focus on the things they don't like about themselves. Things that are positive, are not good enough, or there's always someone else who's better.

Accepting yourself starts in your youth and is encouraged by loving people in your environment. It's a mirror like effect: a child sees and appreciates itself the way it's seen and appreciated by others. If a child grows up in a loving environment, and absorps all those positive reactions by others, like a sponge, it automatically learns how to appreciate itself.

On the other hand, if a child has very overcritical, meddlesome or rejective parents, it develops an inner voice that does nothing but criticise. The voice says: "See? You're utterly worthless" or "You're too fat", or "Nobody likes you". This voice is called the pathological critic.

The pathological critic is a term coined by psychologist Eugene Sagen to describe the negative inner voice that attacks and judges you. Almost everyone has a critical inner voice but people with low self esteem tend to have a more vicious and vocal pathological critic.

The critic blames you for things that go wrong. The critic compares you to others, to their achievements and abilities and finds you wanting. The critic sets impossible standards of perfection and then beats you up for the smallest mistake. The critic keeps an album of your failures but never once reminds you of your strengths or accomplishments. The critic has a script describing how you ought to live and screams that you are wrong and bad if your needs drive you to violate his rules. The critic tells you to be the best and if you aren't the best you are nothing. He calls you stupid, incompetent, ugly, selfish, weak, and makes you believe all of them are true. The critic reads your friends' minds and convinces you that they may be bored, turned off, disappointed or disgusted by you. The critic exaggerates your weaknesses by insisting that you "always say stupid things" or "always screw up a relationship or a job" or "never finish anything on time".

The pathological critic is busy undermining your self-worth every day of your life. Yet his voice is so insidious, woven into the fabric of your thoughts that you never notice the devastating effects. The self attacks always seem reasonable and justified. The carping, judging inner voice seems natural, a familiar part of you but in truth, the critic is a kind of psychological jackal who with every attack weakens and breaks down any good feelings that you have about yourself.

Although we refer to the critic as "he" for convenience, your voice may sound female. It could sound like your mother, your father, or your own speaking voice, and is extremely detrimental to your phychological health, more than almost any trauma or loss. That's because grief and pain wash a way with time. But the critic is always with you, and has many weapons, among the most effective the values and rules of living you grew up with.

Building self worth

Although the critic seems to have a will of his own, his independence is really an illusion. The truth is that you are used to listening to him, so used to believing him, that you have not learned to turn him off. With practice, however, you can learn to analyse and refute what the critic says. You can turn him off before he has a chance to poison your feelings of self worth.

You don't necessarily need love and appreciation from others in order to accept yourself. You can learn how to accept yourself, and be your own mirror.

Building self esteem doesn't mean you're not allowed to have negative thoughts about yourself. That wouldn't be realistic. The more you try to suppress negative thoughts, the stronger they'll return. You don't have to force yourself to think positively, but you can do exercises to build self esteem. Here's one:

Know your qualities

Everyone has many positive qualities. Perhaps you're used to only see the negatives, but you also have many positive qualities. It helps to write them down. Write down 10 positive statements about yourself, starting each statement with "I ... ". Example: I am a good listener, or I am nice to my partner.

Now read those statements out loud, twice a day.

For those of us that are courageous, it's also a nice exercise to write down 100 (!) good things about yourself.

A third exercise is to look at your negative characteristics in a different way. Try to see them as good characteristics gone wild. Let me give you an example: disorder can be seen as an extreme form of flexibility. Intrusiveness can be seen as an extreme form of empathy. Write down 5 negative characteristics and name them in a positive way.

Next: Know yourself

The type of fat eaten, binge drinking and heavy smoking are causing earlier mortality rates in eastern Europe than in the west and hampering the potential for economic development there.

Egypt on Thursday finally banned all female circumcision, the widely-practised removal of the clitoris which just days ago cost the life of a 12-year-old girl.

It's not cheap motels or the back seats of cars but the marriage bed where the new high-risk sex takes place in Uganda, delegates attending a conference on scaling up AIDS services, held in Kigali, Rwanda, heard this week.

Dr David Apuuli, director-general of the Uganda AIDS Commission, warned that marital sex accounted for 42 percent of new infections as the country's prevalence rate begins to climb after years of stagnation.

When smoked, cannabis produces many of the same chemicals as a tobacco cigarette, but may damage the airways to a greater extent.

In a 2002 report, the British Lung Foundation estimated that three to four cannabis cigarettes a day were associated with the same amount of damage to the lungs as 20 or more tobacco cigarettes a day.

A great deal of the reason why anti-abortion sentiment is allowed to hold ground is that the debate is just that – an ideological, religious or socio-political debate on abortion. It is rarely discussed in terms of personal experience, despite record numbers of women, 186,416 in 2006, having them.

iPods can cause cardiac implantable pacemakers to malfunction by interfering with the electromagnetic equipment monitoring the heart, according to a study presented by a 17-year-old high school student to a meeting of heart specialists on Thursday.

Pesticides and fertilizers have long contributed to global food security. But some farmers, tempted by high crop yields and profits, overuse the products, allowing excess agrochemicals to infiltrate water supplies and soil. The US Food and Drug Administration confirmed deaths of 16 pets and received more than 15,000 complaints of ill pets, linked to gluten imported from China.

A controversial South African invention, a female condom-like anti-rape device, is almost ready to hit the market after months of waiting for patent verification.

The device, known as Rapex, has stirred controversy around the world but its inventor, Sonnet Ehlers, is preparing the final pre-production phase after seven years of waiting.

The controversy has raged over whether the device, which has fish-like teeth that attach to the head and shaft of the penis, is a medieval device built on a hatred of men or whether it is an easy-to-use invention that could free millions of South African women from fear of rape.

Amillia Taylor shouldn't be alive. She was born at less than 22 weeks - in the US, where babies aren't considered 'viable' until 23 weeks. But her desperate mother lied to doctors about how far gone she was, and Amillia is now the most premature baby to have ever survived. Aida Edemariam reports on her extraordinary story and asks: should we be saving such tiny babies?

A survey out today reveals that while the mega-brands representing fizzy drinks, chocolate and crisps remain established at the head of the industry's "top 100" grocery league table, they are for the first time facing serious competition from their nutritionally superior rivals.

The proliferation of sexualized images of girls and young women in advertising, merchandising, and media is harming girls' self-image and healthy development. This report explores the cognitive and emotional consequences, consequences for mental and physical health, and impact on development of a healthy sexual self-image.

In a mouth-watering claim sure to make many chew the fat, a Japanese doctor tells Shukan Gendai (2/24) that eating chocolate can help you lose weight.

Not only are some condos and apartment houses banning smoking inside private units, but there is talk in Belmont, Calif., of a city law next month that would mandate that all complexes keep a portion of their units smoke-free.

Parents, teachers and doctors contacted by the Guardian over the past three months cite a litany of distress signals sent out by young people in their care - from nightmares and bedwetting to withdrawal, muteness, panic attacks and violence towards other children, sometimes even to their own parents.

As the government attacks "fashion and the tyranny of thinness" for undermining the confidence of girls, experts are seeing younger and younger children with eating disorders. But blaming stick-thin models might be too simplistic.

And now, a real pill for your unreal illness.

Scientists report that the antidepressant Paxil helped hypochondriacs be less fearful about getting sick. In the first controlled study that compared a group of hypochondriacs given the drug with a group that got psychological talk therapy and another group that received sugar pills, the medication significantly reduced people's fears about imaginary illnesses.

ABC's "All My Children" was supposed to introduce a transgender character on its November 30 show. It's another new low for daytime television, otherwise known as the "soaps." But it's another first for the gay rights lobby, which has a stranglehold over much of the media. Perhaps the next step in this progression is for a character to come out as a pedophile simply exercising his or her "sexual orientation."

"I feel trapped... my mind is crisscrossing... I am neither embarrassed nor traumatised. But I have a feeling of being incomplete" — this is what Subhash (name changed) wrote in his declaration to doctors at Lok Nayak Hospital. He underwent a sex-change surgery and is now called Kajri (changed). He was lucky.

"None," the police officer in charge reported to my student.

That was the answer to how many instances of rape of males and boys had been reported in the city (it happened to be Boston, where I was teaching at the time) in the previous year.

My student was incredulous. He knew of more than one. None was simply not a plausible answer. What was going on?

Dutch women are getting bigger breasts and 32 percent of them now have a D-cup or bigger compared with 20 percent five years ago.

In Europe, Dutch women are ranked third behind British and Danish women in terms of bra size, research commissioned by Bodyfashion Promotion indicated on Wednesday.

California lawmakers are considering whether to require young girls to be vaccinated against a virus spread almost exclusively through sex -- but which can be deadly.

German sex educators plan to launch a spray-on condom tailor-made for all sizes.

Jan Vinzenz Krause from the Institute for Condom Consultancy, a Singen-based practice that offers advice on condom use, told Reuters on Thursday the product aimed to help people enjoy better and safer sex lives.

"We're trying to develop the perfect condom for men that's suited to every size of penis," he said. "We're very serious."

Egypt's top Muslim clerics have attempted to distance Islam from the practice of female genital mutilation, saying the religion does not need it.

It's all about steam
It's all about stamp
It's all about style
It's all about style
I love the razzle-dazzle
To make a splash out in the street
It's all about steam
It's all about stamp and style *

Welcome to your new magazine about Style !

When lifestyle became popular a generation ago, a number of critics objected to it as voguish and superficial, perhaps because it appeared to elevate habits of consumption, dress, and recreation to categories in a system of social classification. Nonetheless, the word has proved durable and useful, if only because such categories do in fact figure importantly in the schemes that Americans commonly invoke when explaining social values and behavior. (source)

Patterns of social relations, consumption, entertainment, dress, ...

but also reflections on attitudes, values, worldview, ...

Culture, subculture, counterculture ...

and lots of yumminess for the necessary schwung !

A comprehensive education on sexuality in the form of ABCD – Abstinence, Be faithful, Condomise and Don't do drugs – may very well instil responsibility, but many still argue that the "condomise" aspect of it should not be encouraged. Some believe it may encourage earlier sexual activity, so it should be excluded completely. However, there is much more to ABCD than condomisation, Francesca Vella finds.

It could be good news if you're partial to fatty food – a glass of red wine a day can help counter the effects of obesity, scientists say.

It is the news Britain's Vicky Pollards might use to justify their behaviour.

Sleeping around can improve a female's chances of having healthier offspring, research shows.

Promiscuity in some mammals results in greater competition between sperm, with the winner having the best genes.

The discovery was first made in a study of a carnivorous mouse-like marsupial from Australia, Antechinus stuartii.

But the same evolutionary principle may also apply to other promiscuous mammals, such as chimpanzees. In controlled tests, each of 17 female marsupials mated with the same three males. In another group, 19 females were forced to be monogamous and take only one mate.

Most people are monogamous and the married are the most sexually active, a national study says

In the first comprehensive global study of sexual behaviour, British researchers found that people aren't losing their virginity at ever younger ages, married people have the most sex, and there is no firm link between promiscuity and sexually transmitted diseases.

When Salimata Badji Knight was five-years-old she was held down in the woods near her home by people from her own community and horribly mutilated in a bid to ensure she didn't grow up to be an unfaithful wife. Earlier this month, the campaigner against female genital mutilation came to Bermuda to explain to Islanders why no child should ever have to go through that again.

Watching too much television in childhood could cause autism, experts have warned.They are suggesting parents limit their children's viewing - and say the under-twos should be barred from watching TV altogether.

An English health authority is to become the first to penalise smokers by taking them off waiting lists for surgery.

Breast cancer may be different in many black American women than those of other races -- more aggressive and of a harder-to-treat type, researchers said on Monday.

Age is no bar to being a good mother and there is no reason, from the child's point of view, to stop pensioners becoming parents, researchers say.

Women in their 50s and 60s who conceive after fertility treatment are just as capable of being good parents as their sisters in their 30s and 40s.

The New York City Board of Health voted unanimously yesterday to move forward with plans to prohibit the city's 20,000 restaurants from serving food that contains more than a minute amount of artificial trans fats, the chemically modified ingredients considered by doctors and nutritionists to increase the risk of heart disease.

Keith Richards is used to an occasional run-in with the police, most notably drug charges during the 60s and 70s, but his law-breaking days appeared to be behind him. But the legendary rock band's guitarist is now being investigated by Glasgow city council after it received reports that he had broken Scotland's smoking ban.

The Dutch Government has banned all exports of live sheep, cattle and goats after a farm tested positive for the harmful bluetongue virus.

South Africa's government remains "obtuse" and "negligent" in its approach to AIDS and should be denounced, researchers and diplomats said on Friday.

One of the joys of taking holidays in France used to be the chance to escape the rampant Americanisation engulfing the rest of the world. But while it is still possible to find French shops closed for lunch and people wilfully enjoying a cigarette, it is getting harder to avoid that classic sign of l'influence Americaine: the lard-arse.

Increasing numbers of "middle age pregnancies" are as great a public health problem as teenage mothers, a leading obstetrician has warned.

The hymen (or maidenhead) is a ring of tissue around the vaginal orifice. "Hymen" is a Greek word meaning "virginal membrane" or "thin skin". Hymen was also a Greek god of marriage.

From the page:

-- It used to be called the unkindest cut. But now the head of the one of the world's largest Aids charities believes we are on the brink of a revolution in attitudes to circumcision. --

From the page:

-- Well-off, smartly dressed and displaying an impressive array of talents in and out of school, they seem to have perfect lives and be destined for exciting futures doing important things. Yet a growing number of children from wealthy backgrounds are suffering stress, not because of their friends or worrying about whether they will get a boyfriend or girlfriend, but because of their over-ambitious parents. --

From the page:

-- Robin Rothwell is concerned about global warming and wars fought over foreign oil. The Seattle resident even makes his living selling environmentally sound homes as a certified "EcoBroker."

Now Rothwell has taken his goal of "living green" up another notch -- importing one of the first all-electric cars to Washington. --

From the page:

-- A woman, who was bullied by her mother-in-law, has been awarded £35,000 in damages. --

From the page:

-- Wall, 38, of Laurel, Md., designed his own brassiere -- or "manssiere" after the term popularized by TV's "Seinfeld" -- from two 7.5-inch round blades, which he displays proudly over his overalls. --

From the page:

-- A higher number of deaths than normal was recorded during the heatwave in June, and people aged 85 and older were especially vulnerable to the warmer weather.

On average, 275 people die every day in June, but figures for 12 and 13 June indicate that on average, just over 60 extra deaths were recorded. --

From the page:

-- They're really just a simple casing with an unbalanced drive shaft and a motor, but for such an unassuming device, the vibrator has some tremendous taboos associated with it. Most of these prejudices hinge on packaging and purpose– the vibrator in a pager is the same basic device as its stimulating and lurid cousin, but suffers no stigma. But perhaps our society has its taboos misplaced– after all, the pager uses its mechanical oscillations for the questionable purpose of distracting drivers on high-speed motorways, whereas the "vibrator" was originally designed for a noble medical purpose: the treatment of hysteria. --

From the page:

-- The ninetieth edition of the international Nijmegen Marches event was called off on Tuesday evening following the death of two walkers in the tropical heat. --

From the page:

-- A doctor and two nurses at a New Orleans hospital were charged with murder for giving lethal injections to four patients during evacuations after Hurricane Katrina, the state attorney general said on Tuesday. --

From the page:

-- An AIDS charity set up by former U.S. President Bill Clinton signed a deal with Nigeria on Monday to make cheap AIDS drugs available to fight the disease in Africa's most populous nation. --

-- ... you are set up for a happy life. We all need people to trust and laugh with. And new research shows you how to pick them. --

From the page:

-- Teenage girls who get pregnant are deliberately "planning" to become mothers in the belief that a baby will improve the quality of their lives.

An extensive study published today reveals that girls as young as 13 are making a "career choice" by deciding to have children, since they see parenting as preferable to working in a dead-end job. --

From the page:

-- Whispers follow her like so many eyes.

She is the one who will go home with you, the sure bet, the kind of girl you can lie down with and then walk all over. She is ogled, envied and often ostracized.

She is the slut. --

From the page:

-- Every home for people with learning disabilities in England is to be inspected by the Government's NHS watchdog after an inquiry revealed shocking evidence of "widespread institutional abuse". --

From the page:

-- The number of cases of syphilis and other sexually transmitted diseases in the UK has been steadily rising, despite a national government strategy introduced five years ago to tackle them. --

From the page:

-- The government is to offer therapy treatment to people who have quit work because of stress and depression in its welfare reform bill, to be published today, which aims to cut the number of people claiming incapacity benefit. --

From the page:

-- In the perfectly controlled atmosphere of a brick-proof, hermetically sealed greenhouse deep in the Kent countryside, a fresh crop of tobacco plants is beginning to flourish.

There is nothing unusual about the plants' appearance, but they are nonetheless extraordinary. A genetic tweak ensures that every cell of every plant churns out tiny quantities of an experimental drug. When harvested, they could bring cheap medicine to millions. --

From the page:

-- No one wants to talk about it, but a dramatic rise in cases of the sexually transmitted disease chlamydia - up by 250 per cent in the past decade - could be making a generation of young women infertile. --

From the page:

-- Smoothies are the latest super-food, the lifestyle choice for Britain's increasingly health-conscious consumers. They are vitamin packed, low in fat and "bursting with goodness. Allegedly. --

From the page:

-- Approaching death can be a long descent into pain and fear. Proper drugs and social workers may ease these worries for some. But for others, the misery is so profound that little helps. Alternative medicine is increasingly accepted as part of palliative care and some studies show music is one method to ease pain and stress at the end of life. One of these methods includes live harp music, played at the bedside by a certified music practitioner. --

Frm the page:

-- Pretty, soulful, happy and healthy woman, 41, (single and heterosexual), would like to meet a man prepared to father a child and to have a role in the child's life. London based. Terms of relationship to be negotiated. How does a single woman, longing for a child, go about starting a family? Here, in an extraordinary and intimate appeal, Jennie Withers reveals her unorthodox solution. --

From the page:

-- Sexually charged words that stimulate the imagination are infinitely more arousing than any one-size-fits-all porno mag or movie. Whether it is the stream-of-consciousness passion of Anais Nin's writing, the post-modern sexuality of The Story of O or a schmaltzy Mills & Boon, a well-written sex scene can stimulate mind and body and doesn't exploit anyone in the process. We resent anyone - male or female - telling us what's sexy, and hipster girls' take on sex is as prescriptive as any lads' mag, even if it is wrapped in girlie packaging. They have appropriated men's language and imagery to find a medium of sexual expression, but it didn't work when Playboy became Playgirl, and, for us, it still doesn't. We'll stick to our well-thumbed "Regency romps' and let our imaginations do the work... rather than a strange, hairy man in a magazine. --

From the page:

-- Her thesis, in any case, is not about pornography. "It's about what's happening in movies, magazines and advertising," she says, "and how porn, which is not such a big deal in itself, is seeping into everything else." --

From the page:

-- Casual sex among young people has been the norm for the last 30 years but what's different now is the pressure to conform to this, which is sad given that feminism was always about choice. --

From the page:

-- Over 250 local branches of the Alzheimer's Society will be celebrating Alzheimer's Awareness Week (2 - 8 July) with events from garden parties to carnivals. --

From the page:

-- Know your terms. Sex is whether someone is XY or XX- male or female. Gender is masculinity or femininity. Gender role is how you present your masculinity or femininity to society. Gender identity is your inner idea of who you are. Sexual identity is who you want to be with. I think a large part of society sees anything sexually different and automatically assumes that the person is gay, when this is not at all the case. Also, what is masculine or feminine is determined by society. --

From the page:

-- Nancy Gordon has no trouble remembering her first encounter with a Mexican hairless dog, a Xoloitzcuintli. Renowned for their intense body heat, Xolos (pronounced sho-los) have been used as therapy dogs for centuries -- and Gordon soon discovered why. "I put my wrists under his belly where I was having wrist pain," says the Southern California resident. "After about 15 minutes, my pain was relieved." --

From the page:

-- There's something seriously wrong with our modern system of healthcare in the United States and in Western countries, but this article's not what you might think -- it's not about the obvious things that are wrong. This is about something much larger. Let's take a look from a large, top-down view. In fact, I'm going to challenge the assumption that we should have disease-oriented doctors at all. I think the whole diseased-focused model of health care we have today is part of the problem. --

From the page:

-- Michael John Carley is trying to change your image of autism. He has autism and he's happy just the way he is. He thinks that might surprise you. --

From the page:

-- He said he raped me because he thought having sex with a virgin would cure him of his disease. --

From the page:

-- Despite a report confirming the continued use of coercive sterilization on Roma (Gypsy) women, women's advocates charge that the Czech government has failed to take action to stop these atrocities. --

-- Death rates among Aboriginal children are nearly three times higher than non-indigenous infants, a study of Australian health trends revealed today.

The damning figures also show that 70% of the Aboriginal population, who number almost 500,000, die before the age of 65, compared with 20% of non-indigenous Australians. The average life expectancy for Aboriginal men is 59, compared with 77 for non-indigenous males, according to the report by the Australian Institute of Health and Welfare.

While researchers found a fall in infant mortality among Aborigines in some areas, the overall findings paint a bleak picture of the state of indigenous health. The report says poor nutrition, obesity, smoking, alcohol and substance abuse are the major causes of death and illness.

Overcrowded housing, unsafe drinking water and poor sanitary conditions were also contributory factors, the study found. The most common causes of death among the adult population are diabetes, heart disease, cancer and violence.

The latest figures, which reveal little has changed despite years of government funding designed to improve the health and living conditions of Aborigines, prompted Australia's health minister, Tony Abbott, to call for a return to interventionist methods. --

-- A Florida dog that chomped for help by cell phone, saving the life of her owner in a diabetic seizure, will fetch a humanitarian award here Monday.

Belle the beagle dialed the emergency number 911 on her owner Kevin Weaver's cell phone last February when he began to convulse and lapsed into unconsciousness.

Weaver, a resident of the central Florida city of Ocoee, originally had gotten Belle for companionship. But after learning about a nonprofit organization that trains dogs to alert diabetic owners of oncoming seizures and to respond, he decided to have her trained as a medical assistant.

With a lick and sniff of Weaver's nose, Belle can detect his blood sugar levels. When they drop below normal, she is trained to warn him by whining and pawing at him.

Belle was doing just that on February 7, but Weaver thought she just needed to go outside. Minutes later he had slipped into a diabetic seizure.

The well-trained Belle retrieved his wireless phone and, using her teeth, pressed the "9" key, which was programmed to dial 911. Paramedics arrived on the scene just minutes later. --

-- A woman who recklessly infected her lover with HIV has been jailed for more than two-and-a-half years.

Sarah Jane Porter, 43, of Seaton Close, Kennington, south-east London, was sentenced to 32 months after admitting inflicting GBH recklessly.

The court heard that, knowing she had the virus, she had unprotected sex with her 31-year-old lover of two years.

Three more of Porter's partners were traced and tested as part of a year-long investigation.

At the Inner London Crown Court on Monday, Porter was told she will serve half her sentence in prison and half on licence. --

-- Conducting sex selection abortion in India will soon become a lot more difficult.

The Union health ministry has developed a special data entry and report-generating software, which when installed in the computers of all the 28,565 registered ultrasound clinics in the country, will make it mandatory for them to fill up their Form F online.

According to the PC and PDNT Act, every sinologist is required to full Form F before conducting an ultrasound on a pregnant woman. The form has 19 questions, including the reason for conducting the sonography, along with the details of the patient and the doctor.

Every ultrasound clinic is required to submit Form F to the PNDT authorities by the 6th of every month. The clinics are supposed to keep the record of the Form F for three years.

At presents, clinics which carry our prenatal selection and selective abortion – a practice which is banned in India, leave most of the details incomplete, deliberately skipping sections mentioning the doctor's name, signature, patient's address, age of the foetus and record of previous children.

The clinics also claim to lose these documents when raids take place saying "it is difficult to store such elaborate paper work"."

Recent study conducted by gynecologist Puneet Bedi revealed that of the 18,00reistered ultrasound clinics in India, only 700 submitted their Form F to the authorities. Also, of the 50,000 forms evaluated, 80% were incomplete.

Most of the clinics claimed to have done just five scans a month, which is commercially unviable. In over 20% cases, the name of the referring doctor was missing. The survey showed that the more vital the information, the more often it was left unfilled. --

-- Eleven government doctors in India's western state of Rajasthan have been suspended on suspicion of carrying out sex determination tests and aborting female foetuses, officials said on Thursday.

Despite laws banning such tests, used to abort unborn girls, female infanticide is common in several regions of India where families view boys as being a better asset than girls.

Social activists say local authorities have been slow to implement legislation that has been in force since 1996. There has been only one conviction from 387 cases lodged under the Pre-natal Diagnostic Techniques Act (PNDT).

"We, in the last over 45 days, have suspended 11 government doctors and are taking action against 30 private doctors on charges of violating the PNDT act and practicing female foeticide," a senior official from Rajasthan's health ministry told Reuters.

The move comes after an undercover television report into abortions of unborn girls, which exposed doctors carrying out sex determination tests and convincing mothers to terminate pregnancies if the foetus was female.

A joint study carried out by researchers in India and Canada recently suggested that half-a-million unborn girls may be aborted in India every year. --

-- With more and more families forced to send their children away from home because they can't afford to bring them up, children increasingly are becoming victims of a once socially useful custom known as informal or "traditional" adoption.

Sylvie, a 28-year-old from Cameroon, recounts her memories of rape and abuse at the hands of relatives supposed to provide her with affection and education.

"My father placed me in the care of my older sister when I was only two because she was not having children. But he brought me back home when I was 16 or 17 because all was not well: I was badly mistreated. My sister's co-wife and her children, who were older than me, used to beat me up severely. As soon as my sister left for work I'd be at their mercy.

"Before going to school I had to clean up the whole house. When I'd come home I had to wait until everyone else had finished eating before I could have supper. If there was nothing left I'd go to bed on an empty stomach or go to see if the neighbours had any leftovers.

"My sister's husband used to beat her, so she left, but she couldn't take me with her. She left me alone there for a month which is when they broke my forefinger. Another time they hit me on the head with a hammer. I never said anything to my brother-in-law because I was afraid he'd hit me more."

The sore festered because nobody gave me medicine. When my sister returned there was pus and maggots in the wound. She asked me what had happened but I told her I'd fallen down on the stairs. I was afraid of a new beating if I told the truth. I only told my sister two years ago what had really happened. She cried because she knew I had been brutalised, but not to that extent.

"When I was eight years old, my brother-in-law's little brother, who was 18, used to wash us. One day he raped me. I didn't want to tell anyone but my sister noticed that I couldn't walk. After that, she asked for a divorce because she believed her husband was an accomplice to the fact, but he refused. It isn't easy to divorce and my parents wouldn't have been able to pay back the dowry. --

-- In most countries children aged 10 would be safely at school, not selling bags of water or washing cars on the street. But in West Africa, which accounts for half of the world's 26 poorest countries, the streets are full of working children.

"I used to be in the second year of primary school," said Alpha Ibrahima, who is only nine. "But because my parents are very poor I had to give up school to sell plastic bags of mineral water in the bus stations in Conakry."

Analysts say Guinea, though mineral-rich and conflict-free, is at risk of becoming West Africa's next failed state. Its leaders have been in office for three decades, its economy is in dire straits. As the country's currency crumbles, teachers are earning the equivalent of a 50-kilogramme sack of rice per month.

But children such as Ibrahima cannot even go to school. "My parents say I'm the only one capable of earning enough money for everyone," he says as he offers travellers a bag of water.

According to the UN children's agency UNICEF, Guinea has the world's 22nd highest mortality rate for children under five. Save The Children says 11 percent of under-5s suffer from moderate or severe malnutrition.

Tiny Alhassane, whose T-shirt once was white, spends each and every day on the streets of the Guinean capital, a city where children who do go to school gather at the airport at nights to finish their homework. It is one of the few places in Conakry to have a steady supply of electricity.

"I spend all my time here, in the city centre," he told IRIN, "selling vegetables during the day and at night I wash cars for a few coins. When my eyelids start to close I go home where my family's waiting for me and for the next day's spending money." --

-- A Sheriff has condemned social workers who removed a newborn baby from her mother only minutes after the child's umbilical cord was cut.

Two social workers and two sheriff officers entered the birthing suite as Corellie Bonhomme went into the final stages of labour. Immediately after her daughter, Fifi, was born, they took her away after obtaining a sheriff's order giving them permission to take custody.

But after a five-month fight and a lengthy hearing, another sheriff has ruled the decision and the way it was enforced was wrong, and he ordered the child to be reunited with her mother.

Ms Bonhomme, 34, has also received an apology from NHS Dumfries and Galloway over the incident at Dumfries Royal Infirmary last December. The trust has promised to change its working practices.

Now reunited with Fifi, Ms Bonhomme, who lives in Dumfries, said only the baby's head had appeared when the door opened and social workers accompanied by sheriff officers came into the room at the hospital to serve a Child Protection Order to take the baby into care.

She said medical staff restrained her as she tried to clamber down from the delivery table to stop Fifi, now aged six months, being taken away.

"I had a needle in my arm and was on morphine and was having gas and air when I heard a midwife say, 'oh, there's social work involvement'.

"I was in the throes of labour, quite dilated and about to deliver. My back was bent backwards, the head was sticking out and I was just about to push the rest of the body out. I raised my head and saw two men and two women walk into the birthing room.

"I pushed Fi out and the doctor took her away. I never got to touch her. I tried to get up. I was trying to get hold of the baby. But the staff said 'get back on the bed, get back on the bed'. The doctor put his hand just above my chest and pushed me down, saying the placenta was still to come out. It was horrific. I was going 'where's my baby, I want my baby'.

"I spent Christmas alone, crying and crying and wondering how I could get Fifi back."

The original child protection order was issued by Sheriff Kenneth Barr on 15 December last year, the day baby Fifi was born.

But Ms Bonhomme, who has had two previous children removed by social services in the London borough of Camden, was determined to win back her daughter.

Last month, Sheriff Kenneth Ross overruled the legal order and granted her custody.

He said Ms Bonhomme's long-running dispute with social workers in Camden had led to the authorities in Scotland taking the baby into care unnecessarily. He also criticised the way Fifi was taken. --

-- Consumers are to be told that avoiding mutton is the only way to reduce the risk to humans of an animal brain disease, prompting fury from meat producers including Scotland's best-known haggis maker.

The Food Standards Agency (FSA) has admitted it cannot rule out a risk to human health from the brain disease atypical scrapie, which is similar to BSE.

The agency is meeting today to discuss the new advice, and whether to press for a Europe-wide ruling on the labelling of mutton, which includes sheep intestines. But although the FSA plans to tell shoppers how to reduce the risk, it has no idea of the probability that a human could contract the disease.

Jo Macsween, director of Midlothian-based haggis specialist Macsween, expressed "total and utter frustration" with the FSA, claiming its new advice could cause confusion over whether haggis was safe to eat.

She said: "We don't use sheep intestines for our haggis, contrary to popular belief, and neither do most other manufacturers I'm aware of, but this advice doesn't make that clear. And we use lamb not mutton. This is the first we've heard of this new advice, and it is bound to cause confusion. I just wish we had been consulted - we are supposed to be working together as an industry."

She added: "Luckily for our business, consumers are so fed up with hearing about bogus food scares that they will probably ignore the advice and keep buying haggis. But that makes you wonder what would happen if we had a real food scare."

John Thorley, of the National Sheep Association, echoed her concern and described the new advice as "total and utter rubbish". He said: "This is silly because you take a risk every time you get out of bed. It seems absurd to tell consumers how they can avoid a risk without knowing what the actual risk is."

Mutton accounts for a quarter of sheep meat sold in Britain and is used in many meat pies, curries and some ready meals. --

-- A mother says she was forced give birth to her still-born child over a toilet in a hotel room after she was turned away from the East Kootenay Regional Hospital because of a lack of beds.

Jennifer Norgate, a mother of three in Elkford, B.C., began her ordeal May 30 when she and her husband Carl travelled to a Calgary clinic for an ultrasound to determine the gender of their 18-week-old unborn baby.

"We were excited to find out if we were having a boy or a girl and to let our other three children know if they would have a brother or a sister," Norgate said in a letter sent to Premier Gordon Campbell, Health Minister George Abbott, local MLA Bill Bennett and others.

"Unfortunately, we found out that our baby had died approximately four weeks earlier. We were sent home to see our family doctor the next day."

Her doctor gave Norgate medication to induce labour and quickly arranged for the couple to see a gynecologist in Cranbrook, a two-and-a-half-hour drive away in southeastern B.C.

But when they got to Cranbrook, they were told there were no beds at the hospital. She was told she'd have to wait in the emergency room or go to a hotel.

Because the couple had no way of knowing how long it would take Norgate to deliver the fetus, they chose to go to a hotel and planned to return to the hospital when labour set in.

Norgate said in her letter she went into labour just before 3 a.m. on June 1 and delivered the dead fetus herself in the bathroom.

"I held this baby in my hand and wept as I didn't know what to do with this child," she wrote.

"I can't answer why our baby died. That I will know when I meet my maker. Can you, Mr. Bennett, answer why we had to be in a hotel room to deliver our baby?"

The next day, Norgate and her husband went back to the hospital with baby in hand.

They waited in the emergency room four hours for an ultrasound to determine if all the tissue was removed from Norgate's uterus.

It wasn't and she had to have medical intervention.

Again she was told she'd have to wait, possibly until 6 p.m. — 10 hours after the couple had arrived at the hospital — because the anesthesiologist had left the hospital.

However, staff managed to call another one in and the procedure was performed earlier in the afternoon.

Norgate had high praise for her doctor, the hospital staff and the anesthesiologist. But she was angry about the state of the health-care system. --

They are the abandoned babies no one would like to cuddle.

After being left to fend for themselves for six days, these six baby hedgehogs are lucky to be alive.

Each the size of a 50p piece, they were found in a compost heap in Maidenhead, Berkshire. When their mother took fright, it was left to staff at the Tiggywinkles animal hospital near Aylesbury, Buckinghamshire, to rear them.

They are being fed on a special diet of artificial milk shipped all the way from America.

-- A delivery driver has thanked his workmates for saving his life after they paid for a scan which revealed he had a life threatening brain tumour.

Gary Harris' colleagues stumped up £700 for the private scan which revealed the deadly tumour, after he was told he would have to wait months to receive the scan on the NHS.

Doctors removed the tumour immediately after it was diagnosed and told Gary, 38, from Bristol, that it was so severe that he would have died while waiting to have the scan on the NHS. --

-- Faced with an increase in the number of pregnancies among pre-teen and early teenage girls, women's advocates are agitating for stronger laws to rein in carnal abusers.

The Women's Centre of Jamaica Foundation, with offices islandwide, reports seeing an average of 55 pregnant young girls per year, ages 12-13, over the last four years. In fact, one 11-year-old pregnant girl was seen by the agency during the period.

In general, the incidence of pregnancy among girls under the age of 15 is decreasing, moving from 709 babies born in 1999 to 278 births in 2004, according to the state-run Statistical Institute of Jamaica. But it is the rise in pregnancy among pre-teen and early teenage girls that has alarmed caregivers such as Beryl Weir, the executive director of the Women's Centre Foundation of Jamaica. --

-- Women who have had Female Genital Mutilation (FGM) are significantly more likely to experience difficulties during childbirth and their babies are more likely to die as a result of the traditional yet gruesome practice, according to a new United Nations study released today, which reiterated calls for total abolition of a practice that currently affects 100 million people worldwide.

The study, the first to give clear evidence of the harmful effects for women and babies, cites serious complications during childbirth include the need to have a caesarean section, dangerously heavy bleeding after the birth and prolonged hospitalization, with the degree of complications increasing depending on the extent and severity of the FGM.

The death rate among babies during and immediately after birth is also much higher, in some case up to about 55 per cent. Because the study was carried out in hospitals, experts said death and harm rates were probably significantly higher overall, as many women in the societies where FGM is practiced give birth at home.

"As a result of this study we have, for the first time, evidence that deliveries among women who have been subject to FGM are significantly more likely to be complicated and dangerous," UN World Health Organization (WHO) Assistant Director-General for Family and Community Health Joy Phumaphi said of the practice which is particularly common in Africa. --

-- Insufficient consumption of fish, fruit and vegetables is as bad for human health as smoking, a Dutch report said on Monday. The study, which the European Food Safety Authority says it will use when analyzing food and diet risks, concludes that most cases of serious illness and death in the Netherlands is caused by poor diet.

"Taking into account not just deaths but also years spent living with serious disability, unhealthy dietary habits cause as much health loss as does smoking," said the Dutch National Institute for Public Health and the Environment (RIVM). "Unhealthy diet composition currently reduces the average life expectancy of 40-year-old Dutch by 1.2 years, while obesity claims 0.8 years." --

-- A transsexual is considering legal action against Huddersfield Primary Care Trusts over waiting times for sex-change surgery.

Emma, 40, has been told she faces a two-year wait just to get an initial consultation at Leeds Gender Clinic.

Emma - who did not wish to reveal her surname - has already paid more than £2,000 to be assessed by private consultants in Sheffield.

She was referred to Sheffield by her GP in April 2003 and underwent six months of lengthy psychological tests.

A panel agreed she was a woman trapped in a man's body and should have treatment.

But Emma was told by Huddersfield Primary Care Trusts that she could not have funding for immediate treatment at Sheffield and could only be treated at Leeds Gender Clinic.

She must wait two years for an initial appointment there, then repeat the assessment process.

Emma said she is considering taking the PCT on in the courts.

She said: "I have no idea why they are reluctant. But I want to do something that will make it impossible for them to carry on like this."

Emma said she would have continued hormone treatment and surgery privately.

But her funds are running out and surgery costs between £7,000 and £15,000. --