*This article contains mature subject matter involving relationships and sexuality. If these topics offend you, please leave this page and check out some of the other great articles on Newsvine.

You think you know someone pretty well, but suddenly in a casual conversation they drop the p-word. "I should probably tell you I'm a polyamorist." ...Who the what now??? When someone reveals to you that they're poly, it should be the start of a long and interesting conversation. You should feel privileged as well, because they obviously trust you enough to confide such a personal detail of their lives. Unfortunately, polyamorism itself can be hard to explain, because there are few concrete descriptions of the subject. To make matters worse, there are as many versions and flavors of polyamorism as there are people who practice it. Ultimately, each person has different comfort levels and expectations when it comes to these unique relationships, and all this makes for a very interesting topic. (keep in mind that the picture below is NOT your typical polyamorous relationship)

When someone tells you they are poly, ideally your next question should be "and what exactly does that mean?" It's important to resist the temptation to jump to quick conclusions, because a given poly's attitudes and practices may be very different from what you expect. Whether you've never heard of polyamorism before, or are slightly curious about what it has to offer, this guide is a great starting source. I'm not sure I can speak for every person out there as I go into detail, but I can give you a glimpse into the lives of polyamorists, and hopefully clear up some confusion.

It's surprising that so few people know about polyamorism. Suffice it to say that its philosophy is by no means mainstream, but it goes a little like this: a person simply has more than one love interest at a time, and everyone involved is okay with it. When non-poly people fall in love with another person, they subscribe to the ideology of exclusivity. This means that they want their lover to be with them and no one else, and (hopefully) they plan on staying just as "true" themselves. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this, in fact, its kind of cute. But people in monogamous relationships would normally become hurt or jealous if they witnessed their partner engaging in flirtations or romantic acts with anyone else. To them, any kind of outside romance is a threat to their relationship. However, polyamorists don't find themselves in the same situations. They're quite capable of loving more than one person at a time. This kind of mindset can seem quite bizarre or strange. But imagine being asked to choose which parent you loved more than the other, or which sibling, or which friend...sometimes the question is simply unanswerable, you simply like them both. While most lovers would be put off if their partner admitted to having feelings for another person, the polyamorist would likely welcome the idea. And just in case love is too strong a word to fathom, imagine that polyamorists are simply "attracted" to more than one person at a time. But how exactly do these kinds of relationships work? Before I can go into that, I think I should get a few misconceptions out of the way.

What Polyamorism is not...
Polyamorism is NOT necessarily the same as polygamy. The latter term is strictly for defining a certain type of marriage arrangement. There are many polyamorists out there that are ultimately committed to a single person, or completely uninterested in the idea of marriage. Polygamy refers to a specific type of polyamorism (See more in the section titled: Casual or committed?)
Polyamorism has nothing to do with sexual orientation. A poly person may be straight, gay, bisexual, pansexual, transexual, or whatever. Again, it says nothing about which gender you are interested in, only that you may be interested in more than one person at a time.
Polyamorism does NOT necessarily mean a person is just horny and wants to go out and hump everything they see. They still may have morals, restrictions, and various levels comfort levels of what they will, and will not allow in their relationships.
Polyamorists are NOT necessarily sociopaths who have no feelings and are only interested in sex. Emotions often get involved, and this can be both problematic and beautiful
Keys for a successful Poly relationship
How exactly does this stuff work anyway? If I can say it without sounding too preachy...it all starts with having good values. Its funny how these can seem remarkably similar to the ideals of a good monogamous relationship, but with polyamorism they become exceedingly important for anyone involved to adhere to. Different values may find different levels of importance depending on the person, but in general they are:

Communication - is a MUST, because even two poly people may have extremely different expectations when they consider forming a relationship. Is it okay to develop feelings for other people? Do you have to approve of my love interests before I go after them? Is only flirting and kissing okay or can I go farther? These are all things to consider and talk about BEFORE entering into a poly relationship. The potential for drama and jealousy are admittedly high, and because we'd all love to avoid heartbreak, simply talking to another person can avoid all that bad stuff from ever happening.
Trust - is enormously important in a poly relationship. The people involved may still agree on boundaries and limits to what is acceptable (or not). Respecting these boundaries and trusting your partner to do the same will keep your relationship free of jealousy and drama...sweet!
Loyalty - Polyamorous people are people too, they can sometimes develop insecurities and think, "Do they still really like me? Do they prefer others?" Some polyamorous relationships may rely a certain amount of commitment between two or more people (see section: Casual or Committed?) In these instances, it is important that partners remind each other, in any number of ways, that they belong to each other at the end of the day.
Honesty - lying to the ones you love never gets you anywhere good. And manipulating people with lies is downright dangerous. Life's more fun when people's feelings don't get hurt for stupid reasons.
So now that we're past the obvious stuff and you've got a pretty good handle on the basics of polyamorism, now's as good a time as ever to get acquainted with the various flavors that it comes in. Keep in mind that each idea here is presented as two opposite ends of a spectrum, a sort of dichotomy. While it can definitely be an either/or situation, often there is a blending of possibilities in between.

Selfless or Selfish?
At the very core of a relationship and perhaps the most important trait of all, lies a person's real reasons for wanting to be in a polyamorous relationship. The particular pseudo-dichotomy drawn here rests on the distinction for being selfless and selfish about polyamorism.

Selfless polyamorists - find the idea of "ownership" over their partner's actions undesirable. When they develop a love interest, they think that this person should be able to branch out and be able to experience new opportunities when they arise. (and by opportunities I mean other people) Whether this means allowing their lover to go on dates or have intimate encounters with others, they permit such actions because they simply want their partner to be happy, to grow and become better lovers, hopefully reciprocating such actions back towards them. Loyalty is an extremely, extremely important trait that they desire in potential matches, because by permitting their partner such freedoms it is certainly possible that they could be walked all over. They may expect their love interest(s) to permit them the same kinds of freedoms, or they may not.
Selfish polyamorists are more interested in controlling their own destinies when it comes to relationships. They may be more interested in the physical side of relationships rather than the emotional side. Being selfish isn't necessarily a bad thing, it just means they know what they want and they're not afraid to go get it. As always, its probably better if these types are up front and honest about their intentions before getting involved. Commitment may still be important to them, but more often than not they are interested in casual relationships with no strings attached.

Casual or Committed?
The dynamics of a polyamorous relationship become more complex when two or more people decide to become committed to each other. Keeping any kind of polyamorous relationship steady is no cakewalk. As always, those with stronger values tend to be more stable.

Casual polyamorous relationships -are usually for the short term, and more based on attraction and physical relationships. They may be as innocent as wanting partners to go out on dates with, or as involved as "@!$%# buddies." The people in these types of relationships usually exercise less control over their partners, and some of the people involved may not even be interested in each other or see each other, as is with characteristic V, N, or W-shaped relationships. Loyalty may not be as important here. Being open, honest, and making sure everyone involved is okay with the situation will usually ensure that its a fun time for all.
Committed polyamorous relationships - mean that at least two people are loyal to each other. Typically, this type of situation involves a couple who is receptive to the idea of allowing other people into the relationship from time to time. These "outside contacts" may be complete strangers, or old friends. A partner may require approval before they let their lover become involved with anyone else, or they may let their lover roam free. Alternatively a committed relationship may involve a true "triad" where three people are have all agreed to be equally committed to each other. Stranger still, commitment may be found between two couples or more couples that become involved with one another. Theoretically any kind of arrangement is possible, but loyalty is typically key here, as well as trust. There are significant challenges as well when an odd number of people are involved, and extra steps may need to be taken to ensure that no one feels like they're the third wheel.

Open or closed?
This facet of a relationship is fairly straightforward.

Open relationships refer to situations where everyone involved is comfortable with letting outsiders in. For instance, a couple may seek a third person to go out on dates or have a threesome with. One lover might allow their partner to do whatever they wish with whoever they wish. Or a triad might be receptive to the idea of letting outsiders in occasionally. The possibilities are literally endless, but being open presents hurdles for everyone. Its important to be up front with outsiders with what they're getting into, whether its a regular or one time thing for them. If sex is involved, the topic of STDs and how to be safe should be discussed as well. In general, open relationships are more common when one or more people can't see each other on a regular basis, but its not unheard of for a poly person to simply like the occasional hookup with a stranger, even when they're committed to someone else. As long as everyone is comfortable with the situation...no harm no foul.
If you're in a closed relationship with someone else, welcome to the world of monogamy. But it may be possible that a triad, 2 or more couples, or a group of people decide to remain exclusive to one another and no one else. (and in some ways this saves them from many of the problems of being in open relationships) That's pretty much all there is to it.

Communal or Private?
Polyamorism can be a touchy subject between some people, or an arousing subject for others...the distinction drawn here highlights the difference between what the members of polyamorous relationships want to do with each other.

In a communal polyamorous relationship, members are typically open with their affairs. Three or more people may want to go out on a date together, or have a threesome or foursome. These activities may not always be open, occasionally two people may pair off and do their thing. The gist of the situation is that when a person sees their lover acting flirtatiously or romantically with someone else, they don't get jealous. Activities are often more focused around the group rather than a pair of people.
Private polyamorous relationships focus more on the interactions between two people at a time. A lover may allow their partner to be with other people, but still want nothing to do with it, or even see or know about it. Such apathy is astonishing, but it happens. A lover may know about or even meet their partner's other romantic interests, but not be involved with them at the same level. More often than not, these types of people enjoy some good 'ol alone time to do whatever they want while their parter is out and about. Trust is absolutely essential in these cases, and everyone involved should be perfectly comfortable with what is going on before it happens. The last thing you want to do is have reason to doubt your lover.

Emotional or Physical?
This is an extremely important aspect that can ensure the stability of a polyamorous relationship. It highlights the degree of affection that polyamorous people allow their partners to engage in with others.

If a poly person allows emotional encounters, it means that they don't mind their partner forming emotional bonds with other people. As you can imagine, loyalty is absolutely key. Often these additional lovers are well trusted by everyone in involved. The danger with allowing such a freedom is that there is always the off chance that a partner will end up liking someone else even more. Its really up to the partner in this case to balance out their own affairs so that they don't make anyone feel isolated or cut off. And sometimes? maybe there is such a thing as having too many love interests. Knowing the extent to which they can "spread themselves out" is important. No pun intended.
If a poly person only allows for their partner to have physical encounters, then they consider anything beyond it a form of emotional cheating. Usually this applies to outside strangers. For instance, a poly in a committed relationship may allow their partner to have intimate encounters, but only if no feelings are involved. Easier said than done, but its still possible for some people to have no strings attached encounters.

In the end, life ain't perfect
When two poly people meet each other, its far from a match made in heaven. They may have entirely different ideas about what they want. Some people prefer short term polyamorous engagements. The idea may sound fun and interesting to them while they're still young and dating, but later on they might want to settle down with one person. Some couples may already be in committed relationships and want to entertain the idea of short term encounters.
Polyamorous relationships go outside the norms where situations that are often considered "cheating" or "hurtful" are in fact quite acceptable. This is made possible by the fact that everyone involved is perfectly comfortable with what happens. I really hope I've said that enough by now! Whether a guy is letting his girlfriend go and dance with other dudes on the floor, or a girl is begging her boy to join her in a threesome with this really hot chick she knows, or a triad is cozying up to go to bed...polyamorism can lead to some interesting and extremely rewarding situations that sound appealing to everyone involved.
That being said, life ain't perfect. Jealousy, drama, fights, feeling left out, and getting hurt are very real possibilities as people cross lines or do things that their partner(s) are uncomfortable with. Often times, poly relationships simply don't work for the same reasons that monogamous relationships fail: incompatible people. If you thought it was hard to maintain a relationship with one person, can you imagine two or more? Clearly its not for everyone, but in the end life is messy, surprising, and you may find yourself presented with unique opportunities.

Can monogamy-minded and polamory-minded people even date each other?
The simple answer is, why the hell not? Just because a person may be open to the idea of polyamory, doesn't mean that they absolutely require it to be happy. They may still be perfectly capable of enjoying a relationship with another person, and remaining faithful and loyal to them alone. Monogamous relationships can be a beautiful and enjoyable aspect of life, but some people can find themselves comfortable with a little bit more. Hopefully by now you've gotten a much clearer picture of polyamorism! Feel free to comment if you have any further ideas/questions to pose.

I'm about to embark upon another adventure in polyamory—I'm going down to Georgia for a family visit, and instead of my partner Max, whom my family knows and loves, I am taking with me my other partner, Monk. This should be interesting.

My parents and brother have known that I am poly for some years now. But it's been a theoretical thing, something we've discussed in the abstract. I didn't feel a need to introduce my previous partners to them, but now that time has come, and I suspect that having me show up with Monk instead of Max is going to be challenging to my kin.

Right now, in the boardrooms of Jewish philanthropic organizations throughout the U.S., program officers are locked in heated discussions about your love life. Whirlwind trips to Israel, boozy mixers at community centers, film screenings in darkened theaters, online endogamous dating sites—all meticulously designed to lead young Jews into lasting romantic relationships. So, in an American social climate where divorce is pandemic and for the first time in decades, more than half of the population is unmarried, wouldn't the powers-that-be be pleased to know that some Jews yearn to be in as many Jewish relationships as possible... at the same time? Polyamory, while hardly a sweeping mainstream trend, is a lifestyle that an increasing number of Jews are embracing. But in light of the ongoing—and often vicious—debate both in religion and politics about same-sex marriage, polyamorous Jews are choosing to love their partners quietly and discreetly, wrestling with what it means to be both Jewish and polyamorous out of the public eye.

Rebecca Pointer's four-year-old daughter raised some eyebrows when she recently drew her family tree at playschool.

Pointer and her husband are polyamorous — and have for the past two years shared their home in the Cape seaside suburb of Muizenberg with another man, the father of Pointer's eight-month-old son.

Mrs Macaskill revealed that she and her husband believe in polyamory, a system that condones open relationships and loving many people at the same time. The love may be sexual, emotional or spiritual.

The phenomenon developed in the US but has since become increasingly popular in the UK.

The couple, who had been married for 12 years, had been trying to find a way of including Angelika in their lives when she was killed.

Once a simple rodeo for freaks, Burning Man has evolved into a high-tech desert fantasia

Born on June 18th 1969 as the first child in an average normal family, except for the illiterate, abusive father, and the dutiful mother, sacrificing her own life for her children, including that lousy excuse for a husband, all because she made the mistake of marrying him, and because she strongly believes in living with the consequences of one's actions, Irma spent the first 17 years of her life in the small town of Bergen op Zoom in the Netherlands.

Being able to read at age 3, she later on became an avid reader, and having read just about everything the local library had to offer at age 10, she started nagging her mother to bring her to the main library at the other side of town every few days.

She never liked being a girl, and could even be seen praying at night for God to turn her into a boy overnight, always being disappointed if such obviously wasn't the case the next morning. She drove the Catholic nuns at kindergarten crazy by refusing to play with dolls, and by disappearing from the school yard, driving off on a go-cart, of course only to be noticed a couple of blocks down the road by thoughtful adults, bringing her back to that same school yard, where the nuns made sure she knew she was a naughty child. Nevertheless she must have liked going there, because when she was suffering from Pfeiffer's disease, she was told she wouldn't be allowed to go to school the next day, if she didn't sleep in the afternoon, and this for almost an entire year.

Pfeiffer's disease plagued her once more, in secondary school, even though one is supposed to only be able to get it once, where she almost had to retake her 4th year, having missed a couple of months. She studied Latin and Greek, took the obligatory field trip to Italy, smoked marijuana in the pupil's basement, tried to fit in but failed miserably, called just about every teacher by first name, except for the few remaining priests and elderly teachers, played the recorder, even though she would have largely preferred the piano, tried ballet, gymnastics, football, karate, tennis and a couple of other sports, but not ice hockey because that really wasn't considered a sport for girls, played theatre, felt awkward about her blossoming femininity, underwent a breast reduction because her G-cup sized bosom caused a constant backache, lived through a rather dramatic divorce (her parents' divorce that is) of which she insisted to spare you the details, and took off abroad, a whole 40 kilometres from home mind you, to enter university.

Because it surely would be dangerous, a young girl alone in a big bad city, she spent the first year in Antwerp with yet other nuns, who rented rooms to lady students. Because it was such a hassle asking for a key every time she would return to the nunnery after 8 p.m., she duplicated the key, which never was discovered, even though the nuns came close at more than one occasion, one of those being that night when the police rang the bell at about 1 a.m., waking up the entire building, because they wanted to confirm it was her who had called about the smell of gas, and a smell of gas there was by the way, even though the Jewish man her friend and she asked for confirmation, looked as if he was about to strangle them, while all they did was save him and all the other inhabitants of that street from a possible explosion.

She studied economics, as a second choice, as her heart went out to literature, but some thought a girl doesn't need an education anyway, being an inferior creature, and others were afraid an education in literature would only prepare her for a life on the dole. After a couple of years however, she decided she really wouldn't like to pursue a career in the economic field, and quit, exchanging economics for journalism, information and communication, graduating cum laude and getting her first Bachelor's degree, specialising in intercultural communication. After that she considered her knowledge of sociology and anthropology to be inferior, went back to university, and got a Master's degree, graduating cum laude again, after having written a thesis on female genital mutilation, or, using a term with less negative connotations, female circumcision.

All this time she had been working at the same time, starting out as a babysitter for two cute but spoilt Japanese kids, whose father worked in the diamond trade, first as an employee, but later on starting his own company, in which she then did administrative work as well as sorting diamonds, and this for several years. After various temp jobs, she worked at the tourist office of the city of Antwerp for about a year, during Antoon Van Dijck's Year in 1999 (Anthony van Dyck, the painter). One of the temp jobs she did afterwards brought her to a company that developed software, where she was active in helpdesk support, consulting and services support and marketing support. Unfortunately there was a worldwide reorganisation and she found herself, like so many others, unemployed. She was fired the American way, being told one afternoon, after lunch, seeing her e-mail and network access closed down immediately, and being told she didn't have to come back the next day. Good thing she lived at walking distance from the office, and she didn't have a company car, or she would have had to arrange for a taxi in order to get home. Not the fact she was fired but the way in which she was, came as quite a shock, all the more because just one week before that particular day, she had a job evaluation conversation, where she was promised a raise and an interesting career plan, with more emphasis on tech aspects of her work.

As she was unable to find a satisfactory job, and didn't like living on unemployment benefits, she took an intensive course in network administration and basic web development and scripting during 10 months, only to find out, she still wasn't able to find a job, having to compete with young guys straight out of college or university, or system administrators with years and years of experience, even though she was invited for job interviews many a time, and didn't limit herself to finding a job in ICT. The excuses she heard varied from being too old for the labour market, not fitting the all male team, being overqualified, not having enough work experience in that particular field, surely not being able to speak French, being Dutch and all, and being too much of a generalist.

After more temporary and various jobs, participating in an exam for communications expert for a position at the city of Antwerp, she made it through several rounds but got a phone call one morning she didn't make it through the final round. That same afternoon however she got another phone call, asking her whether she would be interested in working for the city of Antwerp in another position, at the special unit Sham Marriages and Forced Marriages, where she now most of the time is interviewing couples wanting to get married, while at least one of them is not having the Belgian nationality or a permanent resident permit, in order to find out whether they want to get married for other reasons than to obtain such a permit. She is also trying to help victims of sham marriages, as well as victims of forced marriages, or people being afraid of being forced to marry.

In her spare time, she likes of course being online, being a member of numerous communities and luring people into following her to those communities, loving anything beta, defining herself as an e-schizophrenic, being an expert in dilly-dallying, being addicted to silly quizzes that are like psychology for the lazy, as well as information and news, being a master in starting new blogs that afterwards don't get enough of her attention, using the nom de plume Morgaine LeFaye, and occasionally publishing poetry and short stories. Offline she still likes reading, writing, going to the theatre, the opera, and a concert once in a while, buying shoes, having long conversations, either over the phone or face to face, and, since she moved from an apartment to a house, gardening, or so she thinks, as due to various reasons, she didn't have the occasion to spend hours gardening just yet.

She lives together with a redheaded Dutchman, who online goes by the unpronounceable name wchulseiee, and whom she met online, about 7 years ago. He was crazy enough to relocate to Antwerp, and is admirable for putting up with her complex and difficult personality. She defines herself as bisexual and polyamorous, with an interest in various fetishes and kinks, emphasising this doesn't mean she is a nymphomaniac, on the contrary, she has known several periods of being asexual.

She spends a lot of time thinking about relationships in general and hers in particular (with family, especially her mother, friends, partner and potential other partners/lovers, ...), the concept of polyamory and the consequences, living together or living alone, bdsm, fetishes, new encounters, the impression you made on her, work, a career change, poetry, the short stories she should write down, handwritten letters, the smell of memories, identity, which camera to buy, her qualities and character flaws, insomnia, how she ever is going to keep her mind quiet once in a while, her immediate future, synchronicity, which language to learn next, both her online and offline friends, her need to relate to people, her being distant and very not physical when feeling troubled and unhappy, the whimsicalities of life, how to break out of vicious circles, catch-22 situations, inconsistencies, how she is an aunt since the beginning of September, children, why there are days she craves attention, how Google is becoming the new Microsoft, and anything that catches her attention as she is rather curious by nature.

She still has a lot to learn in life, for instance how to sleep, how to find inner balance, how to accept herself for who she is, whomever that may be, as she still is trying to figure that out, how to worry less and enjoy more, how to be more optimistic and self secure, how to be more confident writing in English, as she still is feeling inferior for not having an expert knowledge of vocabulary and grammar, which prevents her from expressing nuances, even though she is being assured by several people there's nothing wrong with her English language skills and there aren't that many people that are polyglot.

Her latest addiction is Newsvine, which she loves and adores, all the while still hoping one day it will be less US (of A) centred, and more importantly, multilingual so she can be a proud ambassadress of Newsvine for the Dutch speaking population on earth.

Phew. Could you read that in one single breath?

(also try my 'Bio')

-- When more than three weeks had passed and his profile had not yet been approved on the popular personals site Match.com, Scott Moresi knew something was wrong. He called up the company's customer service department to inquire about the holdup; he says he was told Match.com only approved profiles from straight, gay and lesbian people because bisexuals "haven't made up their minds one way or the other about who they are."

Moresi, who is writing his thesis on bisexual identity development, was flabbergasted. He shared his experience on-line; soon it was all over the blogosphere. --

-- A vote on a constitutional amendment to protect marriage in the United States as a union between one man and one woman is expected on June 6. I cannot think of a more urgent piece of legislative business right now than this, having as it does such tremendous implications for the health of our republic and the society in which we live. If anyone needs proof that a marriage amendment must become law in this country, we need only look at our always progressive friends across the sea—the Dutch—to see the future that is waiting for us, and to anticipate a hundred years hence the future that isn't. Last year the Netherlands, which has legalized same sex marriage, had their first polyamory union. A man married two women, bisexuals, both of them, making this not a polygamous but a polyamorous arrangement. It is technically true that what they signed was what is called in Holland a "cohabitation contract" and not a marriage license at all, but who's picking knits. "I love both Bianca and Mirjam" said Victor de Bruijn, the "groom", "so I am marrying them both." As far as he's concerned, he's married. How long do you think it will be before Holland is compelled to recognize their "marriage" as well? On what legal grounds, given that government's legalization of same-sex marriage, could the Dutch government deny the trio legal status and recognition if they decide to petition for it? --

-- Some people hope (or fear) that same-sex marriage will pave the way for the legal recognition of polyamorous marriages. Some advocates of legal polyamory argue that restricting marriage to duos is every bit as arbitrary and unfair restricting marriage to partners of the opposite sex. --

-- Season One of "Seinfeld" contains an episode called "The Deal," which revolves around Jerry and Elaine attempting to remain friends while adding sex to their non-exclusive relationship. They create a set of rules designed to make the open relationship work. Consider George Costanza's opinion, when he says to Jerry, "It's impossible. It can't be done. Thousands of years people have been trying to have their cake and eat it too. No one can do it. It can't be done."

Is it possible to have a successful "open relationship?" Some may define it as friends-with-benefits, while wikipedia.com suggests that it means "polyamory," or "the practice or lifestyle of being open to having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved." --

-- Sometimes it happens by design, sometimes it's unplanned. Sometimes, just maybe, it's one of those accidents of fate drawing us on into the unknown, on a journey towards greater self-knowledge, greater integration and vastly expanded possibilities. Including more people in your love life will lead to an exponential increase in whatever is at the core of your attraction. --

-- The announcement in January by Majority Leader William Frist (R-Tenn.) that the Senate will take up a constitutional amendment to defend traditional marriage in June is only the latest sign that the fight over marriage is expanding in the United States.

Advertisement

Campaigns to win legal recognition of same-sex unions as marriages and efforts to counter them are now taking place against the background of proposals to legalize polygamy and "polyamory" – relationships that involve three or more persons and any gender mix. Legalization of same-sex marriage is seen as a necessary step to that end.

Frist scheduled Senate debate on the Marriage Protection Amendment for the week of June 5. That will be almost two years after 50 Senate Democrats refused to halt a filibuster and let the amendment come to a vote. Sens. John Kerry (D-Mass.) and John Edwards (D-N.C.), awaiting nomination by the Democrats as their presidential and vice-presidential candidates, skipped the vote.

Forty-eight Republicans voted to end the filibuster. A filibuster, requiring 60 votes to halt it, is likely when the amendment comes up again this year. The Marriage Protection Amendment would define marriage as a relationship between one man and one woman. It has the support of President Bush and pro-family groups, including the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops. --

-- Delving into communities outside the mainstream, two new television shows tackle an unlikely group: polygamists. The actual definition of polygamy is marriage to more than one spouse at a time; the two forms of polygamy are polygyny (marriage of multiple women to one man) and polyandry (marriage of multiple men to one woman). In America, polygamy is as a synonym for polygyny, and the practice of polygamy is most closely associated with Mormonism. --

[...]

-- It's time to show a complex and sympathetic alternative relationship. Big Love illustrates how relatively "normal" the lives of its characters are; I'm curious to see if the American public can root for them. I just wish the family weren't so, well, traditional. As Mormon polygamists, they carry a legacy of patriarchal inequality, coerced marriages to underage girls, non-consensual pregnancies, and abuse. That doesn't describe all Mormon polygamists, but the history is there, as the story line constantly reminds us. Why can't Bill and his wives live in suburban New Jersey and be Episcopalians?

I'd be much more encouraged about its radical potential if the show were about polyamory, a newer concept with no religious affiliation. Polyamory focuses on multiple committed loving and sexual relationships (that may or may not include marriage), allows for multi-gendered partner configurations, and usually involves all partners being non-monogamous (not just the men). It emphasizes honesty and communication. --

-- For a sliver of America, HBO's "Big Love," a Sunday night television show about a man "married" to three women, isn't just a weekly hour of drama. It's the way they live.

They call themselves "poly people" or "polyamorists'' -- people who say they have marriage-like commitments to more than one person.

The idea conjures up images of group sex, though it's not always a free for all: Not all of the partners necessarily sleep with each other, but they do have what they call deep emotional connections. It's negotiated non-monogamy where the goal is falling in love. A lot.

In "Big Love," the husband shares three adjacent houses, alternating nights with his trio of wives. In real life, the poly life isn't always so neat. Many report living with their "primary partner'' but spending lots of time with the "secondary'' partner or partners. --

-- A few weeks ago I was at a party with some friends, and another friend, Jane (some of the subjects' names have been changed at their request), introduced us to her cousin, who was in town visiting. "This is Kim and . . ." Jane's voice trailed off, as she wasn't quite sure how our friend Kim wanted to handle explaining the two guys on either side of her. Kim, a tall striking redhead in a sheer black shirt, turned to the man on her left and said, "This is my husband, Phil." Then, she subtly gestured to her right, "And this is my boyfriend, Dan."

Polyamorous people have sexual, emotional, loving, and/or committed relationships that are ongoing with more than one person. Relationships, in fact, are what set polyamory apart from other forms of non-monogamy like swinging or occasionally hooking up for sex with other people. --